I'm Still Alive!

EVIL

I haven't posted anything for a while, have I? The reason for that is a combination of many factors, including laziness, finals, essays, and my brother's B-Day that I had to help out with (slave labor). I had to fill so many water balloons, I think I'm developing a phobia. And of course no one really wanted to use them. I was menaced by a friggin' gigantic bumble bee the entire time. I named him Sheldon, a manly name. War was waged! I had a squirt gun with me at all times, but I could never shoot him down.

No, no, not that Bumblebee

These things are terrifying. The flower might as
well be my head.

He left me for a while, so I assumed he gave up. I went back to my water balloons. They were really cheap and all the same color, so they kept leaking and it was rather boring. Pfft. Blue water balloons. What's the fun in that? Later, though, I heard more buzzing. It turns out, Sheldon has a friend! I grabbed my water gun, but I was outnumbered! His friend, who I named Florence (another manly name), was almost as big as him! Desperate, I grabbed a water balloon and hurled it. I don't know what happened because I was bravely running in circles, but I might have gotten Florence.

But Sheldon is still out there, waiting. Getting stronger. If I ever go for a few weeks without a post, then I'm either being lazy or Sheldon got me.

Dinosaurs with Badass Shades

Hey people. I ran into some unforeseen delays (a la procrastination) and the last part of my Land Before Time thing is going to be slightly delayed. To hold you over, here's some dinosaurs with badass shades.

Two Books That Should Exist

Hi! I was in Barnes and Noble the other day, trying to escape from the many vampire teen books (without success). I realized that there are so many books that should have been written! Such as...

A small excerpt: There are many ways to be "awesome". However, if you had to buy this book to figure this out, then you probably aren't even close. That is why pikachu and I wrote it. That, and they told us we'd be paid by the word. Pika pika chu pika. One way to be awesome is to own a pikachu. This is because pikachus are scientifically proven to boost your awesomeness level by 70%. 

Table of Contents: 

Chapter One: What is Awesomeness? pg 1

Chapter Two: Why I Am Better Than You In Every Way. pg 19

Chapter Three: Chuck Norris Theory pg 49

Chapter Four: The Ninja Factor pg 78

Chapter Five: Why Buying This Book Proves You Are Not Awesome At All pg 112

Chapter Six: Internet Memes and You pg 122

Chapter Seven: Choosing The Right Pillow Pet For You pg 142

Chapter Eight: How To Say No To Snuggies pg 169

Chapter Nine: Harry Potter; How To Make Friends With Just About Anyone pg 188

Chapter Ten: The Subtle Art of Toast pg 193

Chapter Eleven: Awesome People Don't Waste Their Lives Reading Long, Pointless Books pg 210 

Another book from the great authors Laura and Pikachu. 

A small excerpt: Yes, that fish is much smarter than you, and it's not even a fish. It's a drawing of a fish. Do you realize how sad that is? And yet, it is true. You may deny it, but deep down you know it's the truth. You probably think this book is about how to be better than the fish. Sadly, that isn't possible. This book is about why humanity has no hope to ever outsmart a drawing of a fish.

Table of Contents:

Chapter One: That Fish Never Went to College! pg 3

Chapter Two: An Overview of the General Population pg 21

Chapter Three: Why Reality TV Will Bring About The End of Civilization pg 42

Chapter Four: How Each And Every Genre of Music is Leading to the End of Society pg 81

Chapter Five: Pika Pi Pikachu Chu Pi Pi Pika pg 110

Chapter Six: What Would Happen if the Internet Disappeared pg 149

Chapter Seven: Seven Tips to Surviving the Collapse pg 194

Chapter Eight: Why We Should Replace the Government With A Dead Fish pg 232

Thank you http://www.oreillymaker.com for the For Dummies book generator mabob. I was too lazy to make one myself.

Laura's Great Valley Adventure (part 3)

They just realized that there are
eleven more movies after this one.

Surprisingly, this movie hasn't killed me yet. That's why we're back for a third go at this thing! Hopefully, this is the last part. I can't stand such a undinosaurish movie about a friggin' T-Rex. Are you ready? Let's see what happens when writers have no clue how to use a T-Rex properly.

Stranger Danger! Stranger Danger!
So we last left off with Littlefoot's friends cornered by the strutifreaks as Littlefoot found Chomper. I'm quickly losing all hope that Chomper is going to behave like a normal T-Rex. He hasn't really done anything awesome besides being generally cooler than the other characters. That's not a big accomplishment... Anyway, Littlefoot hears his friends screaming because, well, you've seen the egg stealers. He leaves Chomper again to go save them. Like that was successful the first time. Don't turn your back, Littlefoot, he still has a chance to eat someone. But, really, I doubt it. Let's compare Tyrannosauruses, shall we?

    First Movie:                                                                          Second Movie:

RAWR! I'M A FRIGGIN' T-REX AND
AND I'LL EAT YOU! THAT'S MY THING!

It has eyelashes. EYELASHES.

Yeah. It's kinda depressing. Come on Chomper, I still have some hope for you. Just do something that the original Sharptooth probably did as a child. You know, like mass murder and stuff. I don't really know what T-rexes do for fun during their childhood. I assume it involves going rawr and flying around in dino-jetpacks (they have those now).

So Littlefoot runs off to go find his friends. Yes, because an adult couldn't help them at all in this situation. Just get a triceratops, run around a little and poke a few things with your horns, and done. It's not that complicated. But because Littlefoot is the main character, he has to do this himself. The egg eaters have the kids cornered at the edge of a cliff (convenient) and are demanding that they give back the egg that they rightfully stole. The one with the fetish sounds like they kidnapped his true love or something. Hey, maybe they did. But they tell him that it hatched, and he refuses to believe it. He then notices Littlefoot and proceeds to jump on top of him. Woah. Wait. Did I see that right? I wish I had a picture to put but then this blog may be labeled with "Adult Content".

Meow.

But before anything controversial can happen, they see the shadow of what appears to be a large T-Rex. Of course, it doesn't make roaring noises, but grunting noises similar to Chomper's. And you never see, you know, THIS --->
in the distance. Hmmmm. I wonder it could be. Everyone, even Littlefoot, mistakes it for a large T-Rex. The strutifreaks totally panic and jump off the side of the cliff. Good riddance. The kids cower, waiting for the T-Rex to eat them. But it turns out it's only Chomper. Gee, never saw that coming.

I found this somewhere. It's awesome.

Littlefoot introduces Chomper to his friends, leaving out any mention of jetpacks or going rawr. They all appreciate that he saved them from the unintimidating egg stealers. Actually, I can't use the term "egg stealers" anymore. Ducky stole it from me, so I refuse to use it anymore.

So, yeah. They start liking Chomper now that he saved them from the pedophiles. Do you blame them? The strutifreaks creep me out, and they're animated dinosaurs. Maybe I should actually look up their names to be less confusing.

Nah.

We're All One Big Happy Dino-Family

Where's the bloody carnage and the
earthquake-torn wasteland?

I dislike this subtitle. You know why? Real dinosaurs aren't all one big happy family. They go around eating each other. I am thoroughly convinced that the main characters of this entire franchise are not dinosaurs. They are prehistoric reptile, sure, but they're not dinosaurs. I mean, look at them. Real dinosaurs don't pose and smile like that. They kill stuff.

...Wait... Who is that pink dinosaur?

...No, really. Who is that? Why do I not recognize her (or him, I'm not here to judge)? I would recognize a pink dinosaur. For that matter, why is the dinosaur pink? That can't be natural. I know that no one knows what color dinosaurs were, but can you really imagine a pink velociraptor running around? Who is this, though? I NEED ANSWERS.

"No, guys, really. I know I'm awesome.
I'm a T-Rex, ain't I? Which means, of
course, I'm completely superior to you."

Well, getting back to the movie, the kids can't just say how they accept Chomper. They have to sing about it of course, you silly person. They start circling him and chanting "We're a family and you're one of us now" over and over again.

This is starting to sound like some kind of creepy cult ritual.

During the "song", all of the characters have their own verse to tell Chomper what they think. Petrie offers to teach Chomper how to fly in return for being taught how to be scary. Sorry, Petrie, but you're no more intimidating than a very small dust bunny. And as cool as a flying Tyrannosauruses would be, I'm pretty sure Chomper is stashing a jetpack somewhere. He just has to be.

I do find it cute that they're singing a song about being a family (no matter how awful it is) when they were incredibly racist in the first movie and learned to accept each other by the end.

Oh my God. Did I just praise this movie? Oh no! I need to compensate with something nitpicky! The only problem is, something good happens!

Yeah, that's right, I went there.

After they sing for awhile, Chomper decides he has had enough of this nonsense and does the most dinosaur-like thing in the entire movie: he attempts to eat Cera. Chomper! I knew you had it in you! Littlefoot, however, ruins my fun and pulls Chomper off of her. He then scolds him for, you know, trying to eat her. Chomper doesn't really care and tries to eat Petrie as well, making Littlefoot more annoyed. Am I the only one rooting for Chomper in this situation? Ducky tells Chomper, "You can't be a sharptooth!". Oh, good advice, Ducky. He'll just go to the dinosaur plastic surgeon and turn into a brontosaurus or something. Besides, who wouldn't want to be a sharptooth if they were a dinosaur?

After being scolded, Chomper runs away from them. Run, Chomper, run! You can make it to Jurassic Park this time! Just go through the gaping hole in the side of the valley that was left from the landslide! You know, someone ought to fix that before, you know, a cool dinosaur comes in. I bet the velociraptors are planning their attack right now.

The kids, of course, decide to go look for Chomper because they don't want a baby sharptooth running around the valley. I think it would have been cool if he hid away for his childhood, grew up into a big T-Rex, and then returned to seek havoc on the Great Valley and Littlefoot's peeps. I sighed at this point, knowing my ideas for making this movie awesome would never come to be. All I really want right now is a dinosaur that does dinosaur things. Where's my velociraptor pack? My tyrannosauruses with flamethrowers? I guess nothing interesting is ever going to happen...

Wait, what's this? We transitioned to something...

...OH MY GOD.

Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! YEEEESSSS! 
Therewereactuallycooldinosaursandtheywerealllikerawrandsoawesomeandgoingtoeatsomethingprobably.

Ha ha! See!? I'm not crazy!!!

I'm sorry, I'm just excited. Just when I thought this movie was going to stay dull and boring, we had some foreshadowing. Two Tyrannosauruses are making their way toward the valley for reasons unknown! Okay, well, it's obvious they're looking for Chomper, but I'm going to pretend that they plan on destroying it for revenge for something from the past.

Sadly, this scene is over as quickly as it started. So, back to bitching.

Volcanoes and Dinosaurs Should Be Cooler Than This
My high is quickly destroyed by the fact that the strutifreaks aren't dead. They are very much alive and looking for a new egg to eat, cracking egg puns along the way (heh heh, cracking eggs... I can do it too). This is a brief scene, but it's just enough to ruin any effect the Tyrannosauruses had.

So, Littlefoot and co. are looking for Chomper. They start complaining about being hungry... for some reason. I dunno, they needed filler I guess. But in a movie with T-friggin'-Rexes in it, you don't need filler than doesn't involve dinosaur fights and rawring. They finally find Chomper chasing a bug up an erupting volcano. He's just that badass.

Above: The Great Valley, post movie II

Question! Why is the volcano erupting? Isn't this Dino-Eden? I asked this before, haven't I? And if there is an erupting volcano, why aren't the parents worried about the whereabouts of their children? If they are worried, don't make us infer it. This is a kid's movie, you need a scene with the parents panicking. But, no, erupting volcanos aren't a concern for them, I guess. It's not like it's exploding, there's just smoke and lava running down the side and the occasional flying rock. They even made volcano eruptions boring.

Meanwhile, the strutifreaks (why are we still focusing on them?) are looking for more eggs to eat. They find a nest perched precariously on the side of a cliff. That's a good place for a nest. In their attempt to eat the eggs, they almost fall off the cliff. I'm not going to question how that works. Before they can eat, however, a huge pterodactyl chases them away. They seek refuge in a small dark cave, where I'm sure many X-rated things are bound to happen. Come on, two gay pedophiles, one small dark cave? Do the math.

"Why does this movie have to
 be for kids? I wanna eat someone."

The kids try to save Chomper who is, again, perfectly fine on his own. Suddenly, the strutifreaks are back! They want revenge for... uh... They want revenge! Littlefoot and co. just kind of leave Chomper and go running. The lava almost gets Ducky, of course, but it was neither exciting nor scary. Chomper, who seems to be on a hot streak today, tries to eat one of the strutifreaks. He doesn't succeed, sadly. Oh well.

They run, but are cornered on a ledge by the strutifreaks who apparently can teleport now! Behind them is the lava flow, coming at them quicker than real lava could move on flat ground! To the right is a large rock cliff, and the other side is a bottomless chasm! How will they get out of this situation? Will I care? When are the tyrannosauruses going to get here? Where is Chomper's jetpack? And who is that pink dinosaur? Part four is on the way!

I meant to only have three parts, but I somehow stretched it out enough to need a fourth part. At least that'll be the climax. Hopefully we'll see more T-Rex and less strutifreaks. Until then, see ya.

Weasels

Here's some awesome pictures of weasels to prove that I'm still alive.

Part 3 of the Land Before Time thing should be up soonish.

Maybe I should do more of my actual classwork...

...........................

Nah.

Three Movies That Should Exist

Back of DVD: 

Two ancient enemies face off in the ultimate battle. The war between the the ninjas and the unicorns is an old as time itself. Will the fighting ever end? We hope not, that would make this movie extremely dull. Watch epic fight scenes, death defying stunts, countless explosions, and even a motorcycle chase through a burning city as sea gulls explode without warning all around them. Soon, destiny will choose Supah Ninja II and Magical Rainbow Buttefly Powderpuff Super LaLa Unicorn Princess to face off and decide the fate of countless generations of unicorns and ninjas.

But no one cares about the plot. You're here to see ninjas and unicorns beat each other up. That's why in this Special Anniversary Edition, we've included bonus features. This includes:

-Two deleted scenes (both involving the scrapped character The Unicornator)

-100+ Minutes of nonstop ninjas vs unicorns action!

-Interviews with the cast! This includes Stan the guy who brought us donuts every morning and that one dude who happened to be walking by in the background of one scene.

-A DVD game! "Spot the Ninja". Warning: May be extremely difficult, even impossible.

-And More! You'll have to buy this DVD to find out!

Copyright 2012. This DVD may not be shown to your friends outside the house. They'll have to buy this movie themselves. Please, we need the money.

Back of DVD:
Scooby-Doo and the rest of Mystery Inc. are in for a [insert horrible dinosaur related pun here] adventure! When they're contacted by the people who run Jurassic Park, they don't think twice about investigating the island. Apparently, the dinosaurs are acting much more wild and the park workers want to know what's wrong with them (besides, you know, being dinosaurs and all). Can Scooby and co. save the park in time before everyone gets eaten? Again? And can they thwart the evil plans of some random billionaire, who is suing them for getting his leg eaten by a velociraptor (even if that is the coolest way to lose a leg)? Not only that, but he wants to change the park's name to "Mostly Cretaceous Park"! It's up to Shaggy and Scooby to find out what's causing the dinosaurs to act so dinosaur-ish and stop the random billionaire from ruining the island's awesome name!

Back of DVD:

Who says we can't milk this thing for more money? The ninjas and unicorns continue their everlasting battle, even though in the last movie you thought the war was resolved! 

After the deaths of the chosen ones Supah Ninja II and Magical Rainbow Buttefly Powderpuff Super LaLa Unicorn Princess via crazy light saber wielding wombats, the unicorns and ninjas are left in chaos. They are left without leaders, and the battles become more awesome than ever. A ragtag team of ninjas (because all action movies need a ragtag team of something) decide to take it upon themselves to invade the Enchanted Forest, the unicorn homeland. They are led by Supah Ninja IV, who wishes to avenge his grandfather's death. But because he's afraid of wombats, he has to settle for fighting unicorns.

Meanwhile, the unicorns plan to use their secret weapon: The Magic of Love. Can even the ninjaness of ninjas stand up to the power of love? Probably. But we needed a subplot. And what about the rumors that the new unicorn princess is really a My Little Pony in disguise?

It's martial arts versus magic in this all out battle between the two awesomest beings on the planet! How many explosions will it take to win the war? Who will win this time? And why did those wombats have light sabers? All of these questions may or may not be answered in this epic masterpiece of a movie sequel. 

With a song soundtrack by Michele Brourman.

Laura's Great Valley Adventure (part 2)

Yes, welcome back to my journey through the Land Before Time 2. If you haven't read part 1 yet I suggest you do, considering that I'm too lazy to summarize it. So, let's dive right into this. I got my 7up, I got my oversized pikachu pillow (seriously, the thing is bigger than me), I'm ready to do this.


Dino-Puberty

So, we last left off with me having an emotional breakdown after listening to the Egg Song. Wait, I didn't mention the emotional breakdown before? ...Forget I said anything. Anyway, after the gay pedophiliac egg eaters "sing", it's suddenly night. Wait, what? They're just kinda talking about, well, eggs, then BAM it's night, and they continue talking. They sang in broad daylight, then.... Forget it, I stopped questioning this movie a long time ago. Anyway, after successfully raping our ears, the two stutimowhatevers run off into the night. Meanwhile, Littlefoot is again complaining about being little. Littlefoot is little. I would never have guessed. His grandparents tell him to shut up and enjoy life before dino-puberty hits. I guess Grandpa is getting rather old himself, because he gets off topic and starts babbling on about how the Great Valley is a dinosaur paradise and they're protected from the outside dangers. Well, if that's true, do egg-eating strutimawhatchits not count as being a threat? I wouldn't particularly enjoy my eggs getting eaten if I was a dinosaur. Then again, if I was a dinosaur, I wouldn't be living in the Great Valley. No, I'd be running with the velociraptors and doing dinosaur things like eating stuff and going rawr. Why am I watching this? Why not a movie where dinosaurs do dinosaur things? I WANT A T-REX. A FIGHT SCENE. VELOCIRAPTORS. THOSE WOULD MAKE THIS MOVIE A LOT BETTER. I don't want a peaceful valley, I want one over run with carnivores. Now, that would be how I directed it.

Later, Littlefoot's friends gather and discuss how the adults don't think they can take care of themselves. Wait, wait, wait. Am I the only one who remembers this?

You know, the good movie?

You know, where the baby dinosaurs travel across a dangerous and mysterious land with a T-Rex chasing them, facing starvation and getting eaten, and somehow make it to Dino-Eden alive? Yeah, that movie. Whatever happened to that? Don't you think that the adult dinosaurs would treat the children a bit less like children after going through something like that? Am I the only one who realizes this? Please tell me I'm not alone! Am I crazy? IS THIS EVEN THE REAL LAND BEFORE TIME? AM I WATCHING SOME KNOCKOFF? WHAT AM I DOING HERE!? THIS IS ALL A BIG CONSPIRACY! I HAVE TO-

Technical difficulties. The writer of this blog just ran out of the computer room screaming something government officials riding dinosaurs and Cthulu destroying the Great Valley. We're sure that when she gets back from the place with the nice men in white lab coats, she'll be fine and ready to review this movie.

Okay, I'm back and ready to continue with the review. Terribly sorry about the outbreak earlier. It happens. Ahem. Where was I? Oh, right. So, the kids decide that they should prove to the adults that they can take care of themselves. Because killing a T-Rex to survive and avenge your dead mother doesn't prove anything. Sorry, sorry. I'm good now, honest. Suddenly, they see the egg-eaters stealing an egg from Ducky's nest. They decide that they shouldn't tell a grownup, who could probably chase them down and kill them quickly. No, they want to chase after the pedophile villains themselves. To quote Cera, "What could go wrong?"

Two Strutifreaks and an Egg

So, yeah. They go after the strutimabobs in a less-than-awesome chase scene. At first, when the egg-stealers are making a break for it, they notice the dinosaurs in the distance coming toward them. Their shadows are very long, giving the illusion that the kids are bigger than they really are. Now, wait. The moon is in no position to cast light in a way for that to happen. I wish I had a picture, but I don't. You guys are just going to have to take my word for it. Nitpicky, I know, but it just bugged me. While climbing, the strutifreaks start tossing the egg back and forth. Why? No, really, why? What does that accomplish? Throwing an egg back and forth while climbing a mountain isn't necessary. It's stupid. It's going to crack, and then we all know that's going to end in tears. ThiswholemovieisstupidwhyamIhereIneedto-


Um, well, they make it to this big chasm between the Great Valley and the world beyond. One of the strutimawhatevers falls sideways (I'm not even going to comment) and the other jumps with his precious egg. That's how I got that beautiful picture above. The kids also manage to make it across, but not after going through a big ol' process of summing up the courage, thinking Ducky didn't make it, etc. The strutifreaks find a cave to hide in, just as it starts pouring down rain. Sure, why not? All we need is convenient lightning strikes, and we're good to go. The crazy one starts talking to the egg, while the second one watches with a look on his face saying "Whaaaat theeeee...?" Then, before he can eat it, he drops it. Yes, he just kind of drops it. Are these guys really out villains? I am not intimidated in the least. These are just to clumsy, creepy, strutimawhatevers that are completely ineffectual.

I'm sorry, but I need to put this picture here to remind myself of everything that is awesome about dinosaurs and the first movie. I will be looking at it from time to time as I write the rest of this post. Siiigh. Well, Littlefoot and company take forever to find the cave right behind them. Now, this part blew my mind. Hear me out on this: Littlefoot was in the lead. He entered the cave first, followed by Cera. Cera hesitated because she's afraid of the dark, apparently. I think one of my favorite lines so far is: "Maybe I don't feel like going in there right now." She eventually does, afraid of a Convenient Lightning Strike™ and runs into the cave. We then see that Littlefoot, Spike, Ducky, and Petrie were waiting for her inside. How did Spike, Petrie and Ducky get in there so fast? Can they teleport? Now, that would just be too cool for a Land Before Time movie. Maybe it's nit-picky too, but it annoyed me. They find the strutiyeahs fumbling around for the egg that they somehow dropped. Don't ask how, but the creepier one somehow mistakes Littlefoot's head for the egg for a second... Suddenly, there's a rockslide! Okay, sure, why not? At this point, I don't care anymore about the details. They run from the falling rocks, but get caught in it because, well, they did. The egg-eaters risk life and limb to save that stupid egg, but it gets swept away as well. Oh well, poor egg. Eggs get smashed though, it happens. 



...No, the rockslide carried the egg all the way to its nest. That means across the chasm, down the mountain, and into its rightful place. What? I know eggs are more durable than they look, but that was a friggin' landslide. And it just happened to role into its nest? How? What? Who? Why? Huh?
GGGGgggRrrrrRRrrrrAAAaaaaAAaAaAHHHhhhHhdfgdfgadfg.


I don't like this movie.


Beyond the Beyond the Beyond
So, after the landslide, the kids discover that they are in THE MYSTERIOUS BEYOND, the land outside of the Great Valley. It appears to be some kind of swampy place. I'm not going to start on the fact that I thought the land outside the valley was an earthquake-torn wasteland. Apparently, the Mysterious Beyond holds many unknown dangers and normally they aren't allowed to leave the valley. Weren't they born in the "mysterious beyond" and travelled through it and I GIVE UP. At least this movie is taking a turn for the better. There are carnivores and cool dinosaurs in the Mysterious Beyond! But, considering that the movie is called "The Great Valley Adventure", I highly doubt we'll be here for long. 


Ducky is sad because they believe the egg got smooshed (Yes, that's how they put it). Ya know, like what should have happened? Littlefoot tries to comfort her, saying that it's just "the circle of life". I'm surprised they didn't break out into a certain song. Say, when did this movie come out? Wikipedia to the rescue!
Jeopardy music plays as Laura searches Wikipedia.


It was released in 1994, same year as the Lion King. Hmmm. In other news, apparently Jared Leto is from Bossier City, Louisiana. That has nothing to do with this, I just got sidetracked on Wikipedia.

Ducky starts to cry for her lost brother and/or sister, while telling us every detail about that egg. She then realizes that she's sitting under another egg. This egg is twice as big, a different color, and located in a fully built nest. Yes, that must be Ducky's egg! They decide to take it back to Ducky's nest and tell everyone that they're heroes. Then (this is not stated, but I assume) a huge comet will crash into the valley, hordes upon hordes of velociraptors will descend upon them, and our main characters will have to survive in an apocalyptic world. 


Unfortunately, that doesn't happen, as potentially epic as it could be. I do wonder how they're going to carry an egg when the only one who has arms of any kind is Ducky, and the egg is bigger than her. So, to solve this problem, they skip to a scene where they somehow constructed a carrying nest out of flimsy sticks. Yes, the egg is being lifted by a couple of sticks that they hold on each end. It doesn't look like it could possibly support the weight of the egg and Petrie who felt it was necessary to sit on it. I looked for about an hour to find a picture of it, and there was no way I was putting the movie on again, so take my word for it. Again. So, somehow they manage to make it back to the Great Valley with the egg. Well, that was easy. They get to Ducky's nest before everyone wakes up, but they realize the stolen egg has already been returned. That, or Ducky's mom got busy. 


The Archaeopteryxes and the Gigantic Prehistoric Bees

Later that day, the kids try to decide what to do with the egg. Even though they spent all night out chasing pedophiles, they don't seem to be that tired. They wait around the egg, discussing what to do with it. Someone mentions the rather intelligent idea of brining it back to where it was. But no, to prove that they're "grown ups", they decide to raise it themselves. Nevermind that it could hatch into something cool like a velociraptor or a unicorn or something. Yes, unicorns lay eggs. I thought you knew that. 

You know, the strutifreaks haven't been here for awhile. Did they die in the rockslide? Oh, gee, I hope so! That would make this movie so much better! And then they could introduce real villains, like a dinosaur version of the Terminator! That would be so epic! But of course they're not dead, that would make me happy. Instead, we cut to a scene where the strutifreaks swear revenge on the kids for stealing the egg that they stole fair and square. Never mind the fact that if they had even one spec of a brain cell apiece, they'd assume that the egg was smashed in the landslide and move on. But because Gay Eggeater #1 was separated from his true love, we'll be seeing these guys for a while. By the way, that picture is your window into my nightmares for the next week. It's his rape face or something. 

Back to the main characters, they discuss what kind of parents they'll be. They say that their kid will be able to do whatever they want and never hear no. At least they'll fit in with 70% of the population. What if this kid decides to go on a chainsaw murder spree? Or what if becomes Dino-Hitler? Wait, never mind. That would be an interesting movie, meaning that it's not going to happen. The egg-eaters begin to literally stalk them, watching them from afar. As if they couldn't get any creepier. Then, suddenly, the egg starts to hatch! In about five seconds, a fully developed baby dinosaur is sitting there. Alright. At first, they're all like "AWWW ITS SO CUTE". I'm on the floor, in shock that they're actually doing something interesting! It's a T-Rex! OH MY GOD! A COOL DINOSAUR! Well, it's only a baby. That's probably the closest I'm going to get. The kids don't realize that he's a "sharptooth" (I guess the name T-Rex is too awesome sounding for them) until he yawns, showing small sharp teeth. Hence the Land Before Time name, "Sharptooth". They run away screaming like pansies from the oh-so-threatening hatchling. Littlefoot, being the main character, trips on a vine. Or, rather, gets caught in it and is propelled back to the sharptooth like it was a rubber band. When they were running away, the baby looked like he was thinking, "What's wrong with you? Ah, forget it, I'm gonna go chase some velociraptors around and destroy stuff." Littlefoot realizes that he's just a harmless baby, and decides to name him Chomper. Chomper starts chasing around a small dragonfly (I thought prehistoric dragonflies were huge, but I guess that would be too cool again). Chomper thinks that Littlefoot is his mother, but Littlefoot makes sure Chomper's aware that he's a "papa". But can you blame Chomper? Look at the eyelashes.

LOOK AT THEM. 
You know, I think I like Chomper the most. He's been the least annoying, that's for sure. And so far the manliest. Well, Littlefoot tries to destroy my hopes and dreams and teach Chomper to eat plants like the rest of the dinosaurs in the valley. Don't do it, kid! You have a whole life of killing stuff ahead of you! Chomper, however, refuses to. That's right, Chomper, don't listen to him! Eat him! Eat him! It's the only way!

But since this is a kid's movie, that doesn't happen. Littlefoot is a bit distraught that the T-FRIGGIN-REX won't eat green food. He decides to go get advice from his grandparents. But what about the kid? He just kind of tells Chomper to stay there. Alright. Leaving a baby T-Rex with ADD alone. That's fine. Why do I say he has ADD. Because literally two seconds after Littlefoot leaves, he runs after a dragonfly. Run, Chomper! Get out of this movie! Find Jurassic Park! To get there, you must follow the bright circle in the sky, go past the rock that looks like a longneck, and then past the mountains that burn.


...What do you mean those are the directions to get to the Great Valley from the first movie? I thought this movie was disregarding its existence. 


ANYWAY, Littlefoot finds his grandparents and then proceeds to say my new favorite line in this movie. It could quite possibly be the best line in the whole series.


Littlefoot: Grandma... Grandpa... I wanna know about babies.
Grandma and Grandpa: -look at each other- :O


So they go into this discussion, yadda yadda yadda. I'm still laughing about a dinosaur version of "the talk". Of course, it's not that, but still.


Littlefoot's friends come back to the spot where Chomper hatched, only to find nobody there. Petrie (I think) suggests that Chomper ate Littlefoot. Yes, because a dinosaur that tiny can eat another dino four times as big without any trace. Suddenly, the egg-stealers jump them! This could get R-rated very quickly. 


Meanwhile, Littlefoot looks everywhere to find Chomper. I assume that Chomper is on an unstoppable rampage through the herbivore herds and leaving a bloody trail of carnage behind in his wake. No, it turns out that Chomper is at the tar pits from earlier. Except this time he's successfully hopping from rock to rock without falling in. He doesn't even need Littlefoot's help, he's pretty okay on his own. Littlefoot scolds him for running away, but Chomper looks like he's thinking about who he's going to kill first. 


But what about Littlefoot's friends? How will they get out of their situation involving pedophile dinosaurs that probably are going to rape them? What evil plans does Chomper have for them all? Who will he kill first, and who will live through his rampage? What will happen when the army of velociraptors descends upon the valley? Will the plot armor be enough to keep Littlefoot and his friends alive? And who is the father of Cera's baby? Most of these questions will probably not be answered in the next installment of Laura's Great Valley Adventure.