Laura's Great Valley Adventure (part 2)

Yes, welcome back to my journey through the Land Before Time 2. If you haven't read part 1 yet I suggest you do, considering that I'm too lazy to summarize it. So, let's dive right into this. I got my 7up, I got my oversized pikachu pillow (seriously, the thing is bigger than me), I'm ready to do this.


Dino-Puberty

So, we last left off with me having an emotional breakdown after listening to the Egg Song. Wait, I didn't mention the emotional breakdown before? ...Forget I said anything. Anyway, after the gay pedophiliac egg eaters "sing", it's suddenly night. Wait, what? They're just kinda talking about, well, eggs, then BAM it's night, and they continue talking. They sang in broad daylight, then.... Forget it, I stopped questioning this movie a long time ago. Anyway, after successfully raping our ears, the two stutimowhatevers run off into the night. Meanwhile, Littlefoot is again complaining about being little. Littlefoot is little. I would never have guessed. His grandparents tell him to shut up and enjoy life before dino-puberty hits. I guess Grandpa is getting rather old himself, because he gets off topic and starts babbling on about how the Great Valley is a dinosaur paradise and they're protected from the outside dangers. Well, if that's true, do egg-eating strutimawhatchits not count as being a threat? I wouldn't particularly enjoy my eggs getting eaten if I was a dinosaur. Then again, if I was a dinosaur, I wouldn't be living in the Great Valley. No, I'd be running with the velociraptors and doing dinosaur things like eating stuff and going rawr. Why am I watching this? Why not a movie where dinosaurs do dinosaur things? I WANT A T-REX. A FIGHT SCENE. VELOCIRAPTORS. THOSE WOULD MAKE THIS MOVIE A LOT BETTER. I don't want a peaceful valley, I want one over run with carnivores. Now, that would be how I directed it.

Later, Littlefoot's friends gather and discuss how the adults don't think they can take care of themselves. Wait, wait, wait. Am I the only one who remembers this?

You know, the good movie?

You know, where the baby dinosaurs travel across a dangerous and mysterious land with a T-Rex chasing them, facing starvation and getting eaten, and somehow make it to Dino-Eden alive? Yeah, that movie. Whatever happened to that? Don't you think that the adult dinosaurs would treat the children a bit less like children after going through something like that? Am I the only one who realizes this? Please tell me I'm not alone! Am I crazy? IS THIS EVEN THE REAL LAND BEFORE TIME? AM I WATCHING SOME KNOCKOFF? WHAT AM I DOING HERE!? THIS IS ALL A BIG CONSPIRACY! I HAVE TO-

Technical difficulties. The writer of this blog just ran out of the computer room screaming something government officials riding dinosaurs and Cthulu destroying the Great Valley. We're sure that when she gets back from the place with the nice men in white lab coats, she'll be fine and ready to review this movie.

Okay, I'm back and ready to continue with the review. Terribly sorry about the outbreak earlier. It happens. Ahem. Where was I? Oh, right. So, the kids decide that they should prove to the adults that they can take care of themselves. Because killing a T-Rex to survive and avenge your dead mother doesn't prove anything. Sorry, sorry. I'm good now, honest. Suddenly, they see the egg-eaters stealing an egg from Ducky's nest. They decide that they shouldn't tell a grownup, who could probably chase them down and kill them quickly. No, they want to chase after the pedophile villains themselves. To quote Cera, "What could go wrong?"

Two Strutifreaks and an Egg

So, yeah. They go after the strutimabobs in a less-than-awesome chase scene. At first, when the egg-stealers are making a break for it, they notice the dinosaurs in the distance coming toward them. Their shadows are very long, giving the illusion that the kids are bigger than they really are. Now, wait. The moon is in no position to cast light in a way for that to happen. I wish I had a picture, but I don't. You guys are just going to have to take my word for it. Nitpicky, I know, but it just bugged me. While climbing, the strutifreaks start tossing the egg back and forth. Why? No, really, why? What does that accomplish? Throwing an egg back and forth while climbing a mountain isn't necessary. It's stupid. It's going to crack, and then we all know that's going to end in tears. ThiswholemovieisstupidwhyamIhereIneedto-


Um, well, they make it to this big chasm between the Great Valley and the world beyond. One of the strutimawhatevers falls sideways (I'm not even going to comment) and the other jumps with his precious egg. That's how I got that beautiful picture above. The kids also manage to make it across, but not after going through a big ol' process of summing up the courage, thinking Ducky didn't make it, etc. The strutifreaks find a cave to hide in, just as it starts pouring down rain. Sure, why not? All we need is convenient lightning strikes, and we're good to go. The crazy one starts talking to the egg, while the second one watches with a look on his face saying "Whaaaat theeeee...?" Then, before he can eat it, he drops it. Yes, he just kind of drops it. Are these guys really out villains? I am not intimidated in the least. These are just to clumsy, creepy, strutimawhatevers that are completely ineffectual.

I'm sorry, but I need to put this picture here to remind myself of everything that is awesome about dinosaurs and the first movie. I will be looking at it from time to time as I write the rest of this post. Siiigh. Well, Littlefoot and company take forever to find the cave right behind them. Now, this part blew my mind. Hear me out on this: Littlefoot was in the lead. He entered the cave first, followed by Cera. Cera hesitated because she's afraid of the dark, apparently. I think one of my favorite lines so far is: "Maybe I don't feel like going in there right now." She eventually does, afraid of a Convenient Lightning Strike™ and runs into the cave. We then see that Littlefoot, Spike, Ducky, and Petrie were waiting for her inside. How did Spike, Petrie and Ducky get in there so fast? Can they teleport? Now, that would just be too cool for a Land Before Time movie. Maybe it's nit-picky too, but it annoyed me. They find the strutiyeahs fumbling around for the egg that they somehow dropped. Don't ask how, but the creepier one somehow mistakes Littlefoot's head for the egg for a second... Suddenly, there's a rockslide! Okay, sure, why not? At this point, I don't care anymore about the details. They run from the falling rocks, but get caught in it because, well, they did. The egg-eaters risk life and limb to save that stupid egg, but it gets swept away as well. Oh well, poor egg. Eggs get smashed though, it happens. 



...No, the rockslide carried the egg all the way to its nest. That means across the chasm, down the mountain, and into its rightful place. What? I know eggs are more durable than they look, but that was a friggin' landslide. And it just happened to role into its nest? How? What? Who? Why? Huh?
GGGGgggRrrrrRRrrrrAAAaaaaAAaAaAHHHhhhHhdfgdfgadfg.


I don't like this movie.


Beyond the Beyond the Beyond
So, after the landslide, the kids discover that they are in THE MYSTERIOUS BEYOND, the land outside of the Great Valley. It appears to be some kind of swampy place. I'm not going to start on the fact that I thought the land outside the valley was an earthquake-torn wasteland. Apparently, the Mysterious Beyond holds many unknown dangers and normally they aren't allowed to leave the valley. Weren't they born in the "mysterious beyond" and travelled through it and I GIVE UP. At least this movie is taking a turn for the better. There are carnivores and cool dinosaurs in the Mysterious Beyond! But, considering that the movie is called "The Great Valley Adventure", I highly doubt we'll be here for long. 


Ducky is sad because they believe the egg got smooshed (Yes, that's how they put it). Ya know, like what should have happened? Littlefoot tries to comfort her, saying that it's just "the circle of life". I'm surprised they didn't break out into a certain song. Say, when did this movie come out? Wikipedia to the rescue!
Jeopardy music plays as Laura searches Wikipedia.


It was released in 1994, same year as the Lion King. Hmmm. In other news, apparently Jared Leto is from Bossier City, Louisiana. That has nothing to do with this, I just got sidetracked on Wikipedia.

Ducky starts to cry for her lost brother and/or sister, while telling us every detail about that egg. She then realizes that she's sitting under another egg. This egg is twice as big, a different color, and located in a fully built nest. Yes, that must be Ducky's egg! They decide to take it back to Ducky's nest and tell everyone that they're heroes. Then (this is not stated, but I assume) a huge comet will crash into the valley, hordes upon hordes of velociraptors will descend upon them, and our main characters will have to survive in an apocalyptic world. 


Unfortunately, that doesn't happen, as potentially epic as it could be. I do wonder how they're going to carry an egg when the only one who has arms of any kind is Ducky, and the egg is bigger than her. So, to solve this problem, they skip to a scene where they somehow constructed a carrying nest out of flimsy sticks. Yes, the egg is being lifted by a couple of sticks that they hold on each end. It doesn't look like it could possibly support the weight of the egg and Petrie who felt it was necessary to sit on it. I looked for about an hour to find a picture of it, and there was no way I was putting the movie on again, so take my word for it. Again. So, somehow they manage to make it back to the Great Valley with the egg. Well, that was easy. They get to Ducky's nest before everyone wakes up, but they realize the stolen egg has already been returned. That, or Ducky's mom got busy. 


The Archaeopteryxes and the Gigantic Prehistoric Bees

Later that day, the kids try to decide what to do with the egg. Even though they spent all night out chasing pedophiles, they don't seem to be that tired. They wait around the egg, discussing what to do with it. Someone mentions the rather intelligent idea of brining it back to where it was. But no, to prove that they're "grown ups", they decide to raise it themselves. Nevermind that it could hatch into something cool like a velociraptor or a unicorn or something. Yes, unicorns lay eggs. I thought you knew that. 

You know, the strutifreaks haven't been here for awhile. Did they die in the rockslide? Oh, gee, I hope so! That would make this movie so much better! And then they could introduce real villains, like a dinosaur version of the Terminator! That would be so epic! But of course they're not dead, that would make me happy. Instead, we cut to a scene where the strutifreaks swear revenge on the kids for stealing the egg that they stole fair and square. Never mind the fact that if they had even one spec of a brain cell apiece, they'd assume that the egg was smashed in the landslide and move on. But because Gay Eggeater #1 was separated from his true love, we'll be seeing these guys for a while. By the way, that picture is your window into my nightmares for the next week. It's his rape face or something. 

Back to the main characters, they discuss what kind of parents they'll be. They say that their kid will be able to do whatever they want and never hear no. At least they'll fit in with 70% of the population. What if this kid decides to go on a chainsaw murder spree? Or what if becomes Dino-Hitler? Wait, never mind. That would be an interesting movie, meaning that it's not going to happen. The egg-eaters begin to literally stalk them, watching them from afar. As if they couldn't get any creepier. Then, suddenly, the egg starts to hatch! In about five seconds, a fully developed baby dinosaur is sitting there. Alright. At first, they're all like "AWWW ITS SO CUTE". I'm on the floor, in shock that they're actually doing something interesting! It's a T-Rex! OH MY GOD! A COOL DINOSAUR! Well, it's only a baby. That's probably the closest I'm going to get. The kids don't realize that he's a "sharptooth" (I guess the name T-Rex is too awesome sounding for them) until he yawns, showing small sharp teeth. Hence the Land Before Time name, "Sharptooth". They run away screaming like pansies from the oh-so-threatening hatchling. Littlefoot, being the main character, trips on a vine. Or, rather, gets caught in it and is propelled back to the sharptooth like it was a rubber band. When they were running away, the baby looked like he was thinking, "What's wrong with you? Ah, forget it, I'm gonna go chase some velociraptors around and destroy stuff." Littlefoot realizes that he's just a harmless baby, and decides to name him Chomper. Chomper starts chasing around a small dragonfly (I thought prehistoric dragonflies were huge, but I guess that would be too cool again). Chomper thinks that Littlefoot is his mother, but Littlefoot makes sure Chomper's aware that he's a "papa". But can you blame Chomper? Look at the eyelashes.

LOOK AT THEM. 
You know, I think I like Chomper the most. He's been the least annoying, that's for sure. And so far the manliest. Well, Littlefoot tries to destroy my hopes and dreams and teach Chomper to eat plants like the rest of the dinosaurs in the valley. Don't do it, kid! You have a whole life of killing stuff ahead of you! Chomper, however, refuses to. That's right, Chomper, don't listen to him! Eat him! Eat him! It's the only way!

But since this is a kid's movie, that doesn't happen. Littlefoot is a bit distraught that the T-FRIGGIN-REX won't eat green food. He decides to go get advice from his grandparents. But what about the kid? He just kind of tells Chomper to stay there. Alright. Leaving a baby T-Rex with ADD alone. That's fine. Why do I say he has ADD. Because literally two seconds after Littlefoot leaves, he runs after a dragonfly. Run, Chomper! Get out of this movie! Find Jurassic Park! To get there, you must follow the bright circle in the sky, go past the rock that looks like a longneck, and then past the mountains that burn.


...What do you mean those are the directions to get to the Great Valley from the first movie? I thought this movie was disregarding its existence. 


ANYWAY, Littlefoot finds his grandparents and then proceeds to say my new favorite line in this movie. It could quite possibly be the best line in the whole series.


Littlefoot: Grandma... Grandpa... I wanna know about babies.
Grandma and Grandpa: -look at each other- :O


So they go into this discussion, yadda yadda yadda. I'm still laughing about a dinosaur version of "the talk". Of course, it's not that, but still.


Littlefoot's friends come back to the spot where Chomper hatched, only to find nobody there. Petrie (I think) suggests that Chomper ate Littlefoot. Yes, because a dinosaur that tiny can eat another dino four times as big without any trace. Suddenly, the egg-stealers jump them! This could get R-rated very quickly. 


Meanwhile, Littlefoot looks everywhere to find Chomper. I assume that Chomper is on an unstoppable rampage through the herbivore herds and leaving a bloody trail of carnage behind in his wake. No, it turns out that Chomper is at the tar pits from earlier. Except this time he's successfully hopping from rock to rock without falling in. He doesn't even need Littlefoot's help, he's pretty okay on his own. Littlefoot scolds him for running away, but Chomper looks like he's thinking about who he's going to kill first. 


But what about Littlefoot's friends? How will they get out of their situation involving pedophile dinosaurs that probably are going to rape them? What evil plans does Chomper have for them all? Who will he kill first, and who will live through his rampage? What will happen when the army of velociraptors descends upon the valley? Will the plot armor be enough to keep Littlefoot and his friends alive? And who is the father of Cera's baby? Most of these questions will probably not be answered in the next installment of Laura's Great Valley Adventure. 

Laura's Great Valley Adventure (part 1)

Okay, so I was all alone in the house, computers weren't working, and my new 3DS was all the was across the house and I was too lazy to get it. As you can imagine, I was bored. There was nothing on TV except for infomercials (Did you know that there's a grill specifically for sasuage and eggs? Only 59.95 with this one time offer to the first 1000 callers! Yeah, I was there for awhile). So, I decided to watch a movie. Now, you see, I am honestly afraid of the DVD player. It is much smarter than me, so I couldn't watch a movie like The Matrix or Monty Python or something that would have been actually entertaining to watch. Instead, I had to resort to my old, dinosaur-like VCR player thingy. And with dinosaurs on the mind, I decided to watch The Land Before Time. I mean, it was that or Conan the Barbarian.

Don't get me wrong, I loved the Land Before Time when I was a kid. The past tense is key there. I was obsessed with dinosaurs, and played with them instead of dolls in my dollhouse. A typical little girl, I'd say. Well, now that I'm older, I can understand how dreadfully horrible the sequels are. Well, the first one is epic beyond epicness (George Lucas, Don Bluth and Steven Spielberg? I think so. Besides, it's running time is 69 minutes. 'nuff said). I decided instead to watch the terrors that is The Land Before Time II: The Great Valley Adventure. And you are coming with me as I actively ruin my childhood. Again. Why? Because I say so, and my word is law.

Those who disagree may refer to Rule 93

So after finally getting the VCR to work, an ad for the "Land Before Time Singalong Songs" appeared. My first thought was why would a parent willingly subject themselves to that? I mean, at least when the kid watched a LBT movie there's, like, five songs, but having like thirty of them all at once? Moving on, we open with a pretty view of space and comets that are all like WHOOOOSH. Then the title just randomly pops up. Subtle. So is this gonna be like about space dinosaurs or something? 'Cuz I'm telling you now, that would be so cool. I'd much rather watch a movie about space dinosaurs than the movie that's about to come. I'd settle for dinosaurs not in space, just in jets or something. ANYTHING other than this movie. Hmmm. Jet dinosaurs in space. I gotta start on that screenplay.

"I see your T-Rex in a F14 and raise you a dinosaur IN SPACE."

So, after the cool space thing, we cut to... a forest. Well, okay then. There goes my hopes and dreams of a dinosaur version of Star Wars. I mean, think about it. Darth Vader could be a T-Rex (possibly in a F14), Luke Skywalker could be a... you know what? Nevermind. I don't want anyone to steal my screenplay ideas. All space dinos aside, the narrator starts telling us about dinosaurs and stuff. Fitting enough. I think my favorite quote from the opening is "Some ate plants." Thank you, narrator, for that beautiful look into the behavior of herbivorous dinosaurs. 

After the opening, we go to the Great Valley, where our main characters (Littlefoot, Cera, Ducky, Petrie, and Spike) are playing together. Oh, wait, no, they're singing some awful song about how peaceful it is in the valley. Why are they singing? Dinosaurs don't sing. No. It's just wrong. Dinosaurs... kill stuff and do dinosaur things. They don't sing. They DON'T sing. Singing ruins everything that is awesome about dinosaurs. And it turns out that there's gonna be more singing. Joy. Mercifully, it's rather short. Littlefoot's grandpa calls him to come home. Thank you, Littlefoot's Grandpa who apparently has no name. I owe you one. Okay, so let's just get on with the movie. NO. WAIT. THEY'RE STILL SINGING. LITTLEFOOT'S GRANDPA, DO SOMETHING ABOUT THIS! PLEASE! 

Ahem. Er, we cut to some random egg eating dinosaurs. I assume these are going to be our antagonists because one of them has an evil voice and the other is a comic relief dude. So, I guess they're in the Great Valley because they want to steal eggs. Fair enough. One of them, though, I swear has an out-of-control egg fetish. I mean, the way he says eggs... "Eeeeggggggsssssss." Think of a demented pedophile saying that... except he's a dinosaur that looks like this:

Then you'll get an idea. It's just... creepy. I mean, I get that he eats eggs cuz he's an... egg eater, I don't know, but he's taking things a step too far... ANYWAY, so I guess they're introducing us to our villains? I'm not too intimidated. After that, we go to a scene where Littlefoot is complaining about how small he is. Well, yeah, that happens when your name is LITTLEFOOT. And you're a kid. It would be weird to see a huge apatosaurus or brontosaurus or whatever he is named Littlefoot. I mean, really? It's like naming a T-Rex Littletooth or Justin Beiber Largemanhood. Anyway, he tries to get the treestars from the top of the tree like his grandpa, but ends up failing miserably and humping the tree. Don't ask. So, after that his friends call him over to play where he then jumps on Spike and proceeds to hump him as well. Sadly, I don't have a picture. Shouldn't someone be keeping a leash on this guy? 

OM NOM NOM.

I used to love Ducky, but now her voice seems like a rubber duck being brutally murdered with a rusty spork. She's just so... GAH. However, I DO love this picture of her. I don't know. Just go with it.

So, Littlefoot's friends are bored (I can relate) and try to figure out something to do. They decide to go play somewhere called the sheltering grass. Fair enough. I can see this movie is setting up a beautiful plot of some kind. Before they can go, however, Littlefoot stops them because he's a complete wuss. He says that they have to cross some tar pits to get to the sheltering grass, which is all the way across the valley. Why is there tar pits in the dinosaur equivalent to Eden? Isn't supposed to be, like, paradise, and protect them from dangers like carnivores and tar pits? Then why- ah forget it. I'll never get an answer. But why not just play where they are? I mean, I see tall grass that they could use. I assume that's what the sheltering grass is. Whatever. Petrie acts like a spazz, yeah yeah, blah blah, I tuned out at that point. Then Cera (the only character in the entire movie who has any form of interestingness in the form of actually doing stuff) convinces them to go anyway. Thank you, Cera. Please get them all swallowed by the tar pits. That'd be great.

So they get to the tar pits, or "sinking sands" as they call them, and wonder how they're going to cross it. Even though I can clearly see land in the distance that encircles it, so they wouldn't have to cross it in the first place. Maybe they're too lazy to walk all the way around, I dunno. Oh, but we wouldn't have a conflict for thirty seconds, then would we? So they decide to cross it by jumping across some conveniently placed rocks. Of course, they all fall in and are turned into fossils, which are dug up millions of years later by an aspiring young archeologist.

Okay, sadly that doesn't happen. Petrie wonders if he should go get help, but decides not to because they might get in trouble. Glad you got your priorities straight there, Petrie. Somehow he falls in too (don't ask, just go with it. It ends sooner that way) and they have to be rescued by Littlefoot's grandparents. Of course, their parents are mad for them almost getting killed... I guess. Whatever, we have a scene change back to the egg eaters.

Oh God. Oh, no. Oh no no no no no. NO. No. No. No! As if this movie couldn't get more needlessly annoying, the egg-eaters are making egg puns. Kill. Me. Now. I can't do it. I just... can't. The egg-eaters are making egg puns. EGG PUNS. UNNECESSARY. EGG PUNS. "I'm eggxhausted" "Eggxactley" etc. I'm pretty sure someone here is on "eggstacy". This can't get any worse. But no, they have to sing a strangely sexual song about eggs. Here are some of the amazing lyrics:
When I wake up
First thing I do
Eggs
Is to look around
for something to chew
Eggs-actly
Yeah. You can't just randomly say "eggs" in the middle of a song. Even if it is about eggs. I mean, does the sentence "When I wake up first thing I do eggs" make sense? Not in the least. You can't just say, oh, "I've known you for so long, I think it's time for me to finally ask you if you will marry I LIKE PIE." I promise you, that is a turn-off. And here's another part:

Gay Eggeater #1

This Struthiomimus
Won't settle for the dregs
I'll borrow
I'll beg
I'll even kiss you

Gay Eggeater #2

Kiss me?!

Gay Eggeater #1

For my dear beloved dose...
of eggs

I guess I can stop calling them eggeaters. He just confirmed that they're struthi.. struthimo... struthuimi... Struthiomimus. Cut & Paste ftw. Anyway, I don't think I need to explain why this song is creepy. I'm sure anyone with half a dead brain cell can figure it out. And if you are one of those people, then you're already ahead of the songwriters in terms of intelligence. 

I'm going to have to split this review into multiple parts. I can't take it anymore after those puns and that song. So, until then, see ya'll later.

OH YEAH. I recently learned that one of the voice actors in the Japanese version of the movie is the voice actor for Pikachu. Is this right, Pikachu?

Pikachu: Pi... >:(

He won't admit it. Well, next time we'll see what could possibly be the only way to screw up a T-Rex in a movie.