Don't get me wrong, I loved the Land Before Time when I was a kid. The past tense is key there. I was obsessed with dinosaurs, and played with them instead of dolls in my dollhouse. A typical little girl, I'd say. Well, now that I'm older, I can understand how dreadfully horrible the sequels are. Well, the first one is epic beyond epicness (George Lucas, Don Bluth and Steven Spielberg? I think so. Besides, it's running time is 69 minutes. 'nuff said). I decided instead to watch the terrors that is The Land Before Time II: The Great Valley Adventure. And you are coming with me as I actively ruin my childhood. Again. Why? Because I say so, and my word is law.
Those who disagree may refer to Rule 93
So after finally getting the VCR to work, an ad for the "Land Before Time Singalong Songs" appeared. My first thought was why would a parent willingly subject themselves to that? I mean, at least when the kid watched a LBT movie there's, like, five songs, but having like thirty of them all at once? Moving on, we open with a pretty view of space and comets that are all like WHOOOOSH. Then the title just randomly pops up. Subtle. So is this gonna be like about space dinosaurs or something? 'Cuz I'm telling you now, that would be so cool. I'd much rather watch a movie about space dinosaurs than the movie that's about to come. I'd settle for dinosaurs not in space, just in jets or something. ANYTHING other than this movie. Hmmm. Jet dinosaurs in space. I gotta start on that screenplay.
"I see your T-Rex in a F14 and raise you a dinosaur IN SPACE."
So, after the cool space thing, we cut to... a forest. Well, okay then. There goes my hopes and dreams of a dinosaur version of Star Wars. I mean, think about it. Darth Vader could be a T-Rex (possibly in a F14), Luke Skywalker could be a... you know what? Nevermind. I don't want anyone to steal my screenplay ideas. All space dinos aside, the narrator starts telling us about dinosaurs and stuff. Fitting enough. I think my favorite quote from the opening is "Some ate plants." Thank you, narrator, for that beautiful look into the behavior of herbivorous dinosaurs.
After the opening, we go to the Great Valley, where our main characters (Littlefoot, Cera, Ducky, Petrie, and Spike) are playing together. Oh, wait, no, they're singing some awful song about how peaceful it is in the valley. Why are they singing? Dinosaurs don't sing. No. It's just wrong. Dinosaurs... kill stuff and do dinosaur things. They don't sing. They DON'T sing. Singing ruins everything that is awesome about dinosaurs. And it turns out that there's gonna be more singing. Joy. Mercifully, it's rather short. Littlefoot's grandpa calls him to come home. Thank you, Littlefoot's Grandpa who apparently has no name. I owe you one. Okay, so let's just get on with the movie. NO. WAIT. THEY'RE STILL SINGING. LITTLEFOOT'S GRANDPA, DO SOMETHING ABOUT THIS! PLEASE!
Ahem. Er, we cut to some random egg eating dinosaurs. I assume these are going to be our antagonists because one of them has an evil voice and the other is a comic relief dude. So, I guess they're in the Great Valley because they want to steal eggs. Fair enough. One of them, though, I swear has an out-of-control egg fetish. I mean, the way he says eggs... "Eeeeggggggsssssss." Think of a demented pedophile saying that... except he's a dinosaur that looks like this:
Then you'll get an idea. It's just... creepy. I mean, I get that he eats eggs cuz he's an... egg eater, I don't know, but he's taking things a step too far... ANYWAY, so I guess they're introducing us to our villains? I'm not too intimidated. After that, we go to a scene where Littlefoot is complaining about how small he is. Well, yeah, that happens when your name is LITTLEFOOT. And you're a kid. It would be weird to see a huge apatosaurus or brontosaurus or whatever he is named Littlefoot. I mean, really? It's like naming a T-Rex Littletooth or Justin Beiber Largemanhood. Anyway, he tries to get the treestars from the top of the tree like his grandpa, but ends up failing miserably and humping the tree. Don't ask. So, after that his friends call him over to play where he then jumps on Spike and proceeds to hump him as well. Sadly, I don't have a picture. Shouldn't someone be keeping a leash on this guy?
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| OM NOM NOM. |
I used to love Ducky, but now her voice seems like a rubber duck being brutally murdered with a rusty spork. She's just so... GAH. However, I DO love this picture of her. I don't know. Just go with it.
So, Littlefoot's friends are bored (I can relate) and try to figure out something to do. They decide to go play somewhere called the sheltering grass. Fair enough. I can see this movie is setting up a beautiful plot of some kind. Before they can go, however, Littlefoot stops them because he's a complete wuss. He says that they have to cross some tar pits to get to the sheltering grass, which is all the way across the valley. Why is there tar pits in the dinosaur equivalent to Eden? Isn't supposed to be, like, paradise, and protect them from dangers like carnivores and tar pits? Then why- ah forget it. I'll never get an answer. But why not just play where they are? I mean, I see tall grass that they could use. I assume that's what the sheltering grass is. Whatever. Petrie acts like a spazz, yeah yeah, blah blah, I tuned out at that point. Then Cera (the only character in the entire movie who has any form of interestingness in the form of actually doing stuff) convinces them to go anyway. Thank you, Cera. Please get them all swallowed by the tar pits. That'd be great.
So they get to the tar pits, or "sinking sands" as they call them, and wonder how they're going to cross it. Even though I can clearly see land in the distance that encircles it, so they wouldn't have to cross it in the first place. Maybe they're too lazy to walk all the way around, I dunno. Oh, but we wouldn't have a conflict for thirty seconds, then would we? So they decide to cross it by jumping across some conveniently placed rocks. Of course, they all fall in and are turned into fossils, which are dug up millions of years later by an aspiring young archeologist.
Okay, sadly that doesn't happen. Petrie wonders if he should go get help, but decides not to because they might get in trouble. Glad you got your priorities straight there, Petrie. Somehow he falls in too (don't ask, just go with it. It ends sooner that way) and they have to be rescued by Littlefoot's grandparents. Of course, their parents are mad for them almost getting killed... I guess. Whatever, we have a scene change back to the egg eaters.
Oh God. Oh, no. Oh no no no no no. NO. No. No. No! As if this movie couldn't get more needlessly annoying, the egg-eaters are making egg puns. Kill. Me. Now. I can't do it. I just... can't. The egg-eaters are making egg puns. EGG PUNS. UNNECESSARY. EGG PUNS. "I'm eggxhausted" "Eggxactley" etc. I'm pretty sure someone here is on "eggstacy". This can't get any worse. But no, they have to sing a strangely sexual song about eggs. Here are some of the amazing lyrics:
When I wake up
First thing I do
Eggs
Is to look around
for something to chew
Eggs-actly
Yeah. You can't just randomly say "eggs" in the middle of a song. Even if it is about eggs. I mean, does the sentence "When I wake up first thing I do eggs" make sense? Not in the least. You can't just say, oh, "I've known you for so long, I think it's time for me to finally ask you if you will marry I LIKE PIE." I promise you, that is a turn-off. And here's another part:
So, Littlefoot's friends are bored (I can relate) and try to figure out something to do. They decide to go play somewhere called the sheltering grass. Fair enough. I can see this movie is setting up a beautiful plot of some kind. Before they can go, however, Littlefoot stops them because he's a complete wuss. He says that they have to cross some tar pits to get to the sheltering grass, which is all the way across the valley. Why is there tar pits in the dinosaur equivalent to Eden? Isn't supposed to be, like, paradise, and protect them from dangers like carnivores and tar pits? Then why- ah forget it. I'll never get an answer. But why not just play where they are? I mean, I see tall grass that they could use. I assume that's what the sheltering grass is. Whatever. Petrie acts like a spazz, yeah yeah, blah blah, I tuned out at that point. Then Cera (the only character in the entire movie who has any form of interestingness in the form of actually doing stuff) convinces them to go anyway. Thank you, Cera. Please get them all swallowed by the tar pits. That'd be great.
So they get to the tar pits, or "sinking sands" as they call them, and wonder how they're going to cross it. Even though I can clearly see land in the distance that encircles it, so they wouldn't have to cross it in the first place. Maybe they're too lazy to walk all the way around, I dunno. Oh, but we wouldn't have a conflict for thirty seconds, then would we? So they decide to cross it by jumping across some conveniently placed rocks. Of course, they all fall in and are turned into fossils, which are dug up millions of years later by an aspiring young archeologist.
Okay, sadly that doesn't happen. Petrie wonders if he should go get help, but decides not to because they might get in trouble. Glad you got your priorities straight there, Petrie. Somehow he falls in too (don't ask, just go with it. It ends sooner that way) and they have to be rescued by Littlefoot's grandparents. Of course, their parents are mad for them almost getting killed... I guess. Whatever, we have a scene change back to the egg eaters.
When I wake up
First thing I do
Eggs
Is to look around
for something to chew
Eggs-actly
Yeah. You can't just randomly say "eggs" in the middle of a song. Even if it is about eggs. I mean, does the sentence "When I wake up first thing I do eggs" make sense? Not in the least. You can't just say, oh, "I've known you for so long, I think it's time for me to finally ask you if you will marry I LIKE PIE." I promise you, that is a turn-off. And here's another part:
Gay Eggeater #1
This Struthiomimus
Won't settle for the dregs
I'll borrow
I'll beg
I'll even kiss you
Won't settle for the dregs
I'll borrow
I'll beg
I'll even kiss you
Gay Eggeater #2
Kiss me?!
Gay Eggeater #1
For my dear beloved dose...
of eggs
of eggs
I guess I can stop calling them eggeaters. He just confirmed that they're struthi.. struthimo... struthuimi... Struthiomimus. Cut & Paste ftw. Anyway, I don't think I need to explain why this song is creepy. I'm sure anyone with half a dead brain cell can figure it out. And if you are one of those people, then you're already ahead of the songwriters in terms of intelligence.
I'm going to have to split this review into multiple parts. I can't take it anymore after those puns and that song. So, until then, see ya'll later.
OH YEAH. I recently learned that one of the voice actors in the Japanese version of the movie is the voice actor for Pikachu. Is this right, Pikachu?
Pikachu: Pi... >:(
He won't admit it. Well, next time we'll see what could possibly be the only way to screw up a T-Rex in a movie.
