Last time on Laura's Great Valley Adventure...
this movie was like that. No, we actually left off with the main characters trapped between the pedophile dinosaurs and a flow of lava. How many times do you hear that sentence? This entire situation could have been avoided if Chomper had his jetpack with him. Oh well. Let's see how this hour long abomination of my childhood is resolved, shall we?
Well, they run across the tree to get away from either burning to death or getting... struthi-fied. The main characters make it to the other side of course, but the stuthifreaks fall into the abyss of doom. Did I say fall? I meant jump. They jumped in. They... just jumped in. Why? They had a perfect path to run from the lava... and apparently can teleport as well.
You know, a long time ago, I had a Putt-Putt computer game. You know, Putt-Putt, that talking purple car with eyes and a pet dog? There were also dancing penguins and he went to the moon. My childhood was kinda trippy. Anyway, I remember he travelled in time to all sorts of ages. One of those was prehistoric times. There was this brachiosaurus chick that seemed rather drunk and wouldn't let me pass by. It was so annoying, and I seriously wanted to set a T-Rex on her.
God, how I wish I was playing that instead of watching this movie.
Sorry about that. My mind has been wandering throughout this entire movie. Not enough explosions or awesome dinosaurness to keep me interested.
The Subtle Art of Going Rawr
Remember those sharpteeth we saw coming to the valley earlier? I've been waiting this entire movie to see them
do something, and that may just pay off now. Because, guess what? They have arrived! I would have preferred that they were introduced earlier and were the main villains instead of the strutifreaks. Really, who would make a better villain?
Yeah, I thought so.
Anyway, the kids bump into the tyrannosaurs (how could you not see them from ten feet away?) and begin a chase scene. This is probably the only good part in the movie, because it shows that a dinosaur movie can only be awesome with a badass T-Rex or two. Is it a problem that I'm rooting for them? If you watched Littlefoot and his friends for about five minutes, you'd hope a T-Rex would come and eat them too. Even though they're equivalent to dino-four-year-olds, they manage to outrun the tyrannosaurs and find shelter in a cave.
Fine. Be that way. I forget who, but one of them mentions that "It's dangerous outside." Thank you, I would not have been able to figure that out on my own judging from the gigantic T-Rex waiting outside to eat you.
 |
| FINALLY! |
There are two reasons why I'm not complaining about tyrannosaurs in Dino-Eden. First of all, it's friggin' awesome. And second, it's mentioned that Littlefoot and his friends made a hole in the big wall that protects the valley during the rockslide from the beginning of the movie. Good going, guys. Why didn't you mention to anyone that there was a gaping hole in you defense against the awesome dinosaur world? If you're really that afraid of predators, then you should have told the big adult dinosaurs, "Hey, there's a giant hole in the wall that is protecting us from getting eateded...ed." And then they'd be like, "Oh, okay" and smashed some rocks from the sides of the hole to create a wall. Cue "If We Hold On Together" and the end credits roll.
All hope seems lost for the kids (and still I don't care) when suddenly, Littlefoot's grandpa comes to rescue them! In a surprisingly epic battle, he battles the two tyrannosaurs with his tail and stuff. But an old longneck isn't a match for two sharpteeth, so Grandpa Longneck makes a heroic sacrifice to-
No, wait, this is a kid's movie. Well, apparently tyrannosaurs have ADD or something, because they get distracted by Petrie and chase after him. I'm tired of questioning this, let's just move on.
 |
| How a real dinosaur should act |
Petrie leads one of the tyrannosaurs into a vine that Littlefoot and Chomper use as a tripwire and then tie it up. Because we all know a single vine is strong enough to trip and hold down a several-ton giant killing machine. Chomper, don't help Littlefoot! If you team up with the adult sharpteeth, you'll be unstoppable. You'll learn how to be a real T-Rex! Don't throw your life away, Chomper!
The other T-Rex is too busy trying to eat Cera to notice that its partner just got taken down by dino-four-year-olds. It gets distracted (big surprise) by Ducky and Petrie, who are sitting in a tree throwing coconuts at it and shouting insults. Not the best plan you guys ever came up with. Obviously, the T-Rex goes to try to eat them but...
...WHY ARE THESE GUYS STILL ALIVE ANYWAY? THEY'RE DINO-FOUR-YEAR-OLDS! A T-REX SHOULD BE ABLE TO OUTRUN THEM IN, LIKE, THREE SECONDS! WHY-
We're sorry, we're experiencing more technical difficulties. We thought that we fixed the problem, but apparently we didn't. We'll be right back.....
I'm sorry about that outburst. I'm better now, really. The nice men in white lab coats explained that some dinosaurs had sharp teeth to defend themselves, some had spikes to defend themselves, and other dinosaurs had plot armor to defend themselves from predators.
 |
| Just go to your emo corner, Petrie. |
So, after knocking the T-Rex out with a falling rock... Gee, never seen THAT before. Isn't that how they solved the Sharptooth problem in the first movie? But it turns out that vine
can't hold a sharptooth down as the other one comes back. It nearly eats Ducky (thank God) but she's saved by Petrie. You know what Petrie? I'm sick of you and your flying! You're the most annoying character and yet you're the most useful when it comes to fighting predators! Just, go away. No one likes you.
 |
| This makes everything almost worth it |
The T-Rex that was hit by the rock seems okay, and comes back to try and eat them once more. You know, I like these guys. They're impossible to kill. There's a brief chase scene and the kids trick one of the tyrannosaurs to bite the other. This results in a brief but friggin' epic fight between the two. Now you're talking! T-Rex fight! T-Rex fight! Sadly, it's over just before anyone can draw blood as they realize, "Oh, yeah, I'm hungry, and I don't need to resort to cannibalism yet. Let's go eat those dino-four-year-olds."
How To Mess Up Tyrannosaurs In A Movie About FRIGGIN' DINOSAURS
So, blah blah blah the grownup dinosaurs come along as save their children yadda yadda yadda. Everyone is reunited with their parents except for chomper, who becomes sad and runs off. No one cares though, because yay! We're a big happy dinosaur family! Except for sharpteeth. They can all go to hell for all we care.
The kids admit what happened with the egg stealers, and don't even get into trouble for running off after pedophile dinosaurs into the mysterious beyond where they're told daily never to go to and letting in killer tyrannosaurs that can and probably did kill someone. Yay for justice! Speaking of the struthifreaks, what happened to them? They couldn't have died, could they? That would be way too easy.
 |
When I grow up, I'mma be
cloned back to life and kill
people in Jurassic Park. Then
they'll be sorry for making me
so cute and cuddly. I'm a
T-Rex, for God's sake! |
Whatever. The herbivores decide to seal the wall
even though there's no proof that the sharpteeth have left yet. And that's not me being nitpicky, the tyrannosaurs really
haven't left yet. Good plan. Seal them inside the valley with a ton of herbivores, that won't result in a bloodbath at all. Wait, on second thought, go ahead and do it, it'll make this movie more interesting. Littlefoot suddenly remembers, "Oh yeah, that t-rex kid I adopted, he disappeared. Maybe I should find him before he kills someone." He runs off to go find Chomper before anything awesome can happen to him. Yes, Littlefoot, go run off by yourself when there are two Sharpteeth roaming around looking for food. You know, it's awfully convenient that there happens to be two sharpteeth who showed up for mysterious reasons (besides, you know, the obvious eating stuff and going rawr thing) and that there's an orphan t-rex who wants to find his parents. HMMM.
Littlefoot does manage to find Chomper, who is happily chasing around a bug. See, Littlefoot? He doesn't really care. You know this kid is, like, one day old, right? He shouldn't even be walking, let alone think about his true parents. The two adult sharpteeth show up, though, and chase Littlefoot and Chomper through the valley. Littlefoot gets his foot caught in a log, and Chomper seems to leave him behind. Thank you, Chomper, please let him get eaten. But Chomper remembers that Littlefoot is the main character and he has to save him. He comes back and talks to the Tyrannosaurs in, well, Tyrannosaur language not to eat Littlefoot.
Wait, wait, wait. This kid is, like, a day old, and he spent his one day of life with herbivores. Why can he speak t-rex language? Language is something you have to
learn, you're not just born able to recite Shakespeare. Whatever, the movie is almost over.
 |
Apparently, sharpteeth reproduce
too! I hope this movie hasn't
inspired some creepy fetishes. |
It turns out (here's a shocker) that the tyrannosaurs are really Chomper's parents! I never saw
that coming! I was expecting Chomper's parents to be a space alien and that creepy pink dinosaur! The t-rex couple decide to be nice and not eat Littlefoot because he took good care of their hatchling. Again, I have to remember that the movie's almost over and questioning it will just take more time.
The tyrannosaurs leave Littlefoot, who is happy that he finally got that brat off his hands. Suddenly, the struthifreaks return and kidnap him! Damn, I thought they were dead. I can't have anything, can I? Not even a T-Rex fight that lasts for more than two seconds.
 |
"Tell us where the money is!"
"I don't know what you're talking about!"
"Yes you do! Now tell us or we'll
get struthifreaky on you.
|
As they're leaving, Chomper hears Littlefoot screaming like a girl. By now I've lost all hope in his future, because he decides to go and rescue Littlefoot. The struthifreaks are dangling him off a cliff and... wait, why aren't they, you know, push him off? It's not necessary to...
IS THE MOVIE OVER YET?
Well, Chomper shows up and tries to scare them by using his shadow trick again to look bigger. The struthifreaks, using the half a dead brain cell that they have in total, realize that it's just a baby who isn't all that intimidating. They start to advance on Chomper with rape faces (look at my previous posts for that one picture if you want reference), when his parents show up. Apparently, Littlefoot can teleport now to Chomper's side. Anyway, the parents chase the strutifreaks out of the valley, presumably to be eaten. It's a happy ending so far.
Chomper leaves with his parents, and the gap in the wall is closed with a small pile of rocks that a sharptooth could simply climb over. It is stated that "Sharpteeth won't ever come back", which is true, except for the movies where sharpteeth do, in fact, come back. But this is the second movie, and they probably weren't planning for a million sequels at the time, so this is acceptable.
As every character is called back home by their parents, I realized something about Petrie. He's friggin' ghetto. He replied to his mother's call with "Comin', motha'." I'm assuming that the last part of the second word was censored.
 |
This is completely
irrelevant, but I
got bored.
...Big surprise.
|
So, blah blah blah Littlefoot is okay with being a kid for a while blah blah happy ending. The movie doesn't even end with the awesome song "If We Hold On Together" like the first movie did. Then again, the first movie wasn't a musical, so they could concentrate awesomeness into one ending song.
In conclusion, this movie was just... painful. Chomper is a pathetic excuse for a T-Rex, the actual tyrannosaurs were in it for about ten minutes, the main villains were gay, pedophiliac struthifreaks, and Littlefoot is one of the most annoying characters ever. In the first movie, he was hardcore, swearing revenge on the Sharptooth that killed his mother and eventually succeeding. In this movie and beyond, he's just a wimpy little goody-two-shoes who'll never hit puberty. You killed a T-Rex, man, you should be badass.
But this movie doesn't compare to the ridiculousness of the other movies (except for a few I refuse to criticize for nostalgia reasons). Let's just say that wimpy t-rex babies aren't as bad as dino-incest, a cowboy dinosaur (the lone dinosaur), the sun falling from the sky, alien dinosaurs, a transvestite stegosaurus, and dino-Thanksgiving. Not to mention that freaky pink dinosaur. This series is kinda messed up, isn't it?
You're probably wondering how it would have been if
I had directed it. And if you're not wondering, you're going to find out anyway... Next post, because I'm already late as it is on publishing this one. Next time, I'll post my version of this movie. Until then, have a nice day, and remember: struthifreaks are people too... kinda.
 |
OH MY GOD THEY REPRODUCED.
Forget zombies, the struthifreak apocalypse is upon us. |
