Saturday, January 29, 2011

Playing Monopoly: Laura Style


Ah, Monopoly. I've spent many hours playing this with my cousins. We would gather around the table as a big happy family, choose our traditional pieces (I was always the doggie), and begin playing. After that, all hell would break loose. Bank robberies, black markets, charging ransom for a stolen place marker... Like a big, happy family. I've discovered many strategies to winning at this game, and I'm willing to share them.


The way I play does not adhere very well to the laws, er, rules, yeah, rules. But no one cares. Here's a couple tips.

Rob the Bank


This, right here, is a classic. Admit it, we've all stolen from the bank of Monopoly. If you've ever played Monopoly, you attempted it at the very least. It's when you have a system of working the bank robberies that is agreed on by all the players that you know it's out of hand. And yet, no one really cares. If you're running low on funds, the most simple thing you can do is just take something from the bank. I mean, there's all that money just laying there. It is taunting you. It wants to mess with your mind. So, you quickly grab a 500. Done. Or, in some cases, you're playing with a bunch of pansies who would cut your hand off before letting you swipe from the bank (stealing from the bank is against the rules, but cutting off other players' hands isn't). In that case, you'll need to make sure they're unaware of your plans... When ever I play with old people (the term I give to anyone over my own age), they usually don't allow bank robberies. Losers. It usually ends up like this:
Laura: I need money.
Old person: Too bad.
Laura: LOOK! A DISTRACTION!
Old person: *looks over shoulder* WHAT?!
Laura: *reaches over to grab money* 
Old person 2: HEY THAT'S CHEATING!!!
Laura: So sue me. 
Old person: You can't steal money from the bank! That's against the rules!
Laura: *while grabbing fistfuls of 500s and 100s* SCREW THE RULES I HAVE MONEY!!!
Old person 3: *grabs knife* RELEASE THE MONEY.

Okay. Maybe not exactly like that. But you get the idea. (The only difference is that I wouldn't yell "LOOK! A DISTRACTION!" I have more class than that. It would be more like "LOOK OUT! A CHIPMUNK WITH A MACHINE GUN!")

There's not much else to say about this. It really speaks for itself. 

The Corrupt Banker Approach



This is another classic. If you're playing with people who either a.) don't know you cheat, b.) don't care that you cheat, or c.) don't understand the game (or English, for that matter), then insist on being the banker. That way, you have complete control over all of the money in the game. If there's one thing I can't stand in this game, it's the honest banker who makes sure that everyone gets the right amount of money at all times, never pockets any for himself, etc. They make me sick. Every so often, instead of depositing player A's tax money into the bank, look like you do so and then put it away in your own savings. It's dishonest, yes, but in Monopoly, honesty will get you killed. At least the way I play it. I don't know how you do, ya sissy.

This also ties in to number 5, except this is a bit more subtle. Instead of threatening the banker at gun point, stealing the paper money, jumping out the window, stealing a get away car, changing your name to Pablo Wakasanakan, moving to Mexico (or Canada, if you prefer), marrying a fellow outlaw, and spending the rest of your days in a little cabin counting your money, you can rob the bank without all of those extra steps. So much more convenient,  assuming you don't get caught. In that case, tell your fellow players that you were... making a transaction and put at least half of the money back. In the old west, you'd be shot for doing such a thing. And unless you play like certain people I know, you most likely will only get away with a few disapproving looks. 

I know that sometimes, the banker also handles real estate. We don't play that way, but I've seen it. That has so many options as well. If your corruption is more obvious, then you can get away with auctioning off properties, black market deals, etc. Be creative. 

Some things you can accomplish as the banker:
  • Steal money directly from the bank (obviously)
  • Steal money that people give you to put in the bank (obviously)
  • Auction off real estate
  • Make deals with people that involve an illegal stream of money from the bank
  • Invent a time machine to go back in time and stop the assassination of Abe Lincoln and possibly the creation of My Little Pony. God, those things creep me out.

The patented "Two Finger Table Toss"

I couldn't find a good picture to represent this one, so here's a picture of an iguana. 


Anyway, the "Two Finger Table Toss" is the last resort for every sore loser. It's name is misleading, because you're not really tossing the table, but more of the board. Here is the instructions on how to complete this:
  1. Decide whether there is no way that cheating will help you win. In that case, proceed to number 2.
  2. With both hands, position you second and third finger under the board game. 
  3. In one swift movement, flick your fingers and wrist up. This will send the board game flying.Or, at least, tilt it and all of the pieces fall off.
  4. Storm out of the room screaming gibberish.
This procedure assures that your opponent will not win. It also kind of assures you that you won't win yourself. Side effects may include but are not limited to: nobody playing with you ever again, people beating you up, crying, people calling the nice people in white lab coats to come and get you, and waking up somewhere unfamiliar.

If you're feeling even more like a sore loser, there's also the two handed table toss. This one used both palms, and you can fling the board farther.

Anyway, I'm tired of writing this post. My next post will probably be: Twilight if I had written it/If Twilight was condensed into only one scene.

Maybe. Probably. Sort of. I dunno. It could possibly be about my cat. We all know that every blog was at least one post about a cat.

P.S. I have to get something off my chest. Hello, my name is Laura, and I have a horrible fear of the Monopoly guy. It started the first time I ever played the game. Now, whenever I think about it, I can only imagine his creepy little face.

Tuesday, January 25, 2011

And then there were llamas...

...and it was freakin' wonderful.

Shockingly, I actually came back to this blog. Why is this shocking? Do you realize how short of an attention span I have when it comes to most things? Like this one time, when I-

I'm bored. Moving on, I decided that when I write these blogs, they need a topic. A very important topic that will be discussed in a civilized, dignified manner in which I point out all points from all sides. In other words, I'll be typing what ever runs through my mind. You don't want to know what happens in my mind. A man died in there once. He was eaten by chainsaw weasels. Chainsaw weasels are a serious threat and are a lot more intimidating than they sound.

Ahem. Anyway, to get started, I need, well, topics to randomly rant about. And I know that no one in their right mind would willingly read this blog.

Fortunately, no one these days are in their right state of mind. I blame video games. And asparagus. It's a conspiracy.

So, here are some topics for future reference that I might cover:

-Ninjas vs. Pirates
-Twilight
-Socks
-The Internet
-Harry Potter
-Disney
-Penguins
-The Top 10 Most Badass Animals Ever
-Why Laura Is Bored (A deep delve into the psychological meani I'm bored moving on)
-Chainsaw Weasels
-How To Win At Monopoly
-Why I Fear McDonalds
-Chuck Norris
-Who would win in a fight: Homer Simpson or Justin Beiber?
-My Many Conspiracy Theories
-Why I Believe My Cat Is Not-So-Secretly Plotting My Death

And those are just what randomly came to mind. I will be writing these on a very strict basis of wheneverIfeellikeit.

OH GOD THERE'S SO MANY WORDS. TO COUNTERACT THIS, HERE IS A BUNNY WITH A PANCAKE ON IT'S HEAD.


So beautiful :') It's art.

Friday, January 14, 2011

PLATYPUS

So here's how I see it. After the whole Noah's Ark thing, the animals got busy. I imagine that the platypus was not alive until after the flood. Why? Well, repopulating an entire planet can be stressful, but at the same time nobody would argue assuming that their mate was attractive. Ahem. Anyway, I'm pretty sure one night, a duck wandered into the wrong tent while drunk, and then nine months later the platypus comes along.

That's my theory and I'm sticking to it. Don't get me started on my theory on giraffes.

I'm Bored

I'm bored. I'm sure you have figured that out by now, considering the title of this post, the URL, and the name of the freakin' blog. You can also probably assume my name is Laura. Well, stop it. My name is actually Pablo.

Okay, it's not, but that would be cool. Pablo is a cool name. Why? Because I said so. And that is cold hard fact people. Here me, for I have spoken. Or, written. Yeah. Anyway, I'm bored BECAUSE I'm in digital media class and photoshop doesn't work. So it's a free day. Which means boredom. I was planning on making, I dunno, an evil llama on photoshop or something, but photoshop is being communist.

So, I made a blog. You probably figured that out by now, but on the Internet, there are people who need to be told facts like this. You know who you are. Actually, no, you probably don't. Oh well. I'm bored of this already, so to wrap this post up, here is something I made the other day in this class.

I call it: The LSD Llama