Laura's Great Valley Adventure (part 3)

They just realized that there are
eleven more movies after this one.

Surprisingly, this movie hasn't killed me yet. That's why we're back for a third go at this thing! Hopefully, this is the last part. I can't stand such a undinosaurish movie about a friggin' T-Rex. Are you ready? Let's see what happens when writers have no clue how to use a T-Rex properly.

Stranger Danger! Stranger Danger!
So we last left off with Littlefoot's friends cornered by the strutifreaks as Littlefoot found Chomper. I'm quickly losing all hope that Chomper is going to behave like a normal T-Rex. He hasn't really done anything awesome besides being generally cooler than the other characters. That's not a big accomplishment... Anyway, Littlefoot hears his friends screaming because, well, you've seen the egg stealers. He leaves Chomper again to go save them. Like that was successful the first time. Don't turn your back, Littlefoot, he still has a chance to eat someone. But, really, I doubt it. Let's compare Tyrannosauruses, shall we?

    First Movie:                                                                          Second Movie:

RAWR! I'M A FRIGGIN' T-REX AND
AND I'LL EAT YOU! THAT'S MY THING!

It has eyelashes. EYELASHES.

Yeah. It's kinda depressing. Come on Chomper, I still have some hope for you. Just do something that the original Sharptooth probably did as a child. You know, like mass murder and stuff. I don't really know what T-rexes do for fun during their childhood. I assume it involves going rawr and flying around in dino-jetpacks (they have those now).

So Littlefoot runs off to go find his friends. Yes, because an adult couldn't help them at all in this situation. Just get a triceratops, run around a little and poke a few things with your horns, and done. It's not that complicated. But because Littlefoot is the main character, he has to do this himself. The egg eaters have the kids cornered at the edge of a cliff (convenient) and are demanding that they give back the egg that they rightfully stole. The one with the fetish sounds like they kidnapped his true love or something. Hey, maybe they did. But they tell him that it hatched, and he refuses to believe it. He then notices Littlefoot and proceeds to jump on top of him. Woah. Wait. Did I see that right? I wish I had a picture to put but then this blog may be labeled with "Adult Content".

Meow.

But before anything controversial can happen, they see the shadow of what appears to be a large T-Rex. Of course, it doesn't make roaring noises, but grunting noises similar to Chomper's. And you never see, you know, THIS --->
in the distance. Hmmmm. I wonder it could be. Everyone, even Littlefoot, mistakes it for a large T-Rex. The strutifreaks totally panic and jump off the side of the cliff. Good riddance. The kids cower, waiting for the T-Rex to eat them. But it turns out it's only Chomper. Gee, never saw that coming.

I found this somewhere. It's awesome.

Littlefoot introduces Chomper to his friends, leaving out any mention of jetpacks or going rawr. They all appreciate that he saved them from the unintimidating egg stealers. Actually, I can't use the term "egg stealers" anymore. Ducky stole it from me, so I refuse to use it anymore.

So, yeah. They start liking Chomper now that he saved them from the pedophiles. Do you blame them? The strutifreaks creep me out, and they're animated dinosaurs. Maybe I should actually look up their names to be less confusing.

Nah.

We're All One Big Happy Dino-Family

Where's the bloody carnage and the
earthquake-torn wasteland?

I dislike this subtitle. You know why? Real dinosaurs aren't all one big happy family. They go around eating each other. I am thoroughly convinced that the main characters of this entire franchise are not dinosaurs. They are prehistoric reptile, sure, but they're not dinosaurs. I mean, look at them. Real dinosaurs don't pose and smile like that. They kill stuff.

...Wait... Who is that pink dinosaur?

...No, really. Who is that? Why do I not recognize her (or him, I'm not here to judge)? I would recognize a pink dinosaur. For that matter, why is the dinosaur pink? That can't be natural. I know that no one knows what color dinosaurs were, but can you really imagine a pink velociraptor running around? Who is this, though? I NEED ANSWERS.

"No, guys, really. I know I'm awesome.
I'm a T-Rex, ain't I? Which means, of
course, I'm completely superior to you."

Well, getting back to the movie, the kids can't just say how they accept Chomper. They have to sing about it of course, you silly person. They start circling him and chanting "We're a family and you're one of us now" over and over again.

This is starting to sound like some kind of creepy cult ritual.

During the "song", all of the characters have their own verse to tell Chomper what they think. Petrie offers to teach Chomper how to fly in return for being taught how to be scary. Sorry, Petrie, but you're no more intimidating than a very small dust bunny. And as cool as a flying Tyrannosauruses would be, I'm pretty sure Chomper is stashing a jetpack somewhere. He just has to be.

I do find it cute that they're singing a song about being a family (no matter how awful it is) when they were incredibly racist in the first movie and learned to accept each other by the end.

Oh my God. Did I just praise this movie? Oh no! I need to compensate with something nitpicky! The only problem is, something good happens!

Yeah, that's right, I went there.

After they sing for awhile, Chomper decides he has had enough of this nonsense and does the most dinosaur-like thing in the entire movie: he attempts to eat Cera. Chomper! I knew you had it in you! Littlefoot, however, ruins my fun and pulls Chomper off of her. He then scolds him for, you know, trying to eat her. Chomper doesn't really care and tries to eat Petrie as well, making Littlefoot more annoyed. Am I the only one rooting for Chomper in this situation? Ducky tells Chomper, "You can't be a sharptooth!". Oh, good advice, Ducky. He'll just go to the dinosaur plastic surgeon and turn into a brontosaurus or something. Besides, who wouldn't want to be a sharptooth if they were a dinosaur?

After being scolded, Chomper runs away from them. Run, Chomper, run! You can make it to Jurassic Park this time! Just go through the gaping hole in the side of the valley that was left from the landslide! You know, someone ought to fix that before, you know, a cool dinosaur comes in. I bet the velociraptors are planning their attack right now.

The kids, of course, decide to go look for Chomper because they don't want a baby sharptooth running around the valley. I think it would have been cool if he hid away for his childhood, grew up into a big T-Rex, and then returned to seek havoc on the Great Valley and Littlefoot's peeps. I sighed at this point, knowing my ideas for making this movie awesome would never come to be. All I really want right now is a dinosaur that does dinosaur things. Where's my velociraptor pack? My tyrannosauruses with flamethrowers? I guess nothing interesting is ever going to happen...

Wait, what's this? We transitioned to something...

...OH MY GOD.

Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! YEEEESSSS! 
Therewereactuallycooldinosaursandtheywerealllikerawrandsoawesomeandgoingtoeatsomethingprobably.

Ha ha! See!? I'm not crazy!!!

I'm sorry, I'm just excited. Just when I thought this movie was going to stay dull and boring, we had some foreshadowing. Two Tyrannosauruses are making their way toward the valley for reasons unknown! Okay, well, it's obvious they're looking for Chomper, but I'm going to pretend that they plan on destroying it for revenge for something from the past.

Sadly, this scene is over as quickly as it started. So, back to bitching.

Volcanoes and Dinosaurs Should Be Cooler Than This
My high is quickly destroyed by the fact that the strutifreaks aren't dead. They are very much alive and looking for a new egg to eat, cracking egg puns along the way (heh heh, cracking eggs... I can do it too). This is a brief scene, but it's just enough to ruin any effect the Tyrannosauruses had.

So, Littlefoot and co. are looking for Chomper. They start complaining about being hungry... for some reason. I dunno, they needed filler I guess. But in a movie with T-friggin'-Rexes in it, you don't need filler than doesn't involve dinosaur fights and rawring. They finally find Chomper chasing a bug up an erupting volcano. He's just that badass.

Above: The Great Valley, post movie II

Question! Why is the volcano erupting? Isn't this Dino-Eden? I asked this before, haven't I? And if there is an erupting volcano, why aren't the parents worried about the whereabouts of their children? If they are worried, don't make us infer it. This is a kid's movie, you need a scene with the parents panicking. But, no, erupting volcanos aren't a concern for them, I guess. It's not like it's exploding, there's just smoke and lava running down the side and the occasional flying rock. They even made volcano eruptions boring.

Meanwhile, the strutifreaks (why are we still focusing on them?) are looking for more eggs to eat. They find a nest perched precariously on the side of a cliff. That's a good place for a nest. In their attempt to eat the eggs, they almost fall off the cliff. I'm not going to question how that works. Before they can eat, however, a huge pterodactyl chases them away. They seek refuge in a small dark cave, where I'm sure many X-rated things are bound to happen. Come on, two gay pedophiles, one small dark cave? Do the math.

"Why does this movie have to
 be for kids? I wanna eat someone."

The kids try to save Chomper who is, again, perfectly fine on his own. Suddenly, the strutifreaks are back! They want revenge for... uh... They want revenge! Littlefoot and co. just kind of leave Chomper and go running. The lava almost gets Ducky, of course, but it was neither exciting nor scary. Chomper, who seems to be on a hot streak today, tries to eat one of the strutifreaks. He doesn't succeed, sadly. Oh well.

They run, but are cornered on a ledge by the strutifreaks who apparently can teleport now! Behind them is the lava flow, coming at them quicker than real lava could move on flat ground! To the right is a large rock cliff, and the other side is a bottomless chasm! How will they get out of this situation? Will I care? When are the tyrannosauruses going to get here? Where is Chomper's jetpack? And who is that pink dinosaur? Part four is on the way!

I meant to only have three parts, but I somehow stretched it out enough to need a fourth part. At least that'll be the climax. Hopefully we'll see more T-Rex and less strutifreaks. Until then, see ya.