Playing Monopoly: Laura Style

Ah, Monopoly. I've spent many hours playing this with my cousins. We would gather around the table as a big happy family, choose our traditional pieces (I was always the doggie), and begin playing. After that, all hell would break loose. Bank robberies, black markets, charging ransom for a stolen place marker... Like a big, happy family. I've discovered many strategies to winning at this game, and I'm willing to share them.


The way I play does not adhere very well to the laws, er, rules, yeah, rules. But no one cares. Here's a couple tips.

Rob the Bank

This, right here, is a classic. Admit it, we've all stolen from the bank of Monopoly. If you've ever played Monopoly, you attempted it at the very least. It's when you have a system of working the bank robberies that is agreed on by all the players that you know it's out of hand. And yet, no one really cares. If you're running low on funds, the most simple thing you can do is just take something from the bank. I mean, there's all that money just laying there. It is taunting you. It wants to mess with your mind. So, you quickly grab a 500. Done. Or, in some cases, you're playing with a bunch of pansies who would cut your hand off before letting you swipe from the bank (stealing from the bank is against the rules, but cutting off other players' hands isn't). In that case, you'll need to make sure they're unaware of your plans... When ever I play with old people (the term I give to anyone over my own age), they usually don't allow bank robberies. Losers. It usually ends up like this:

Laura: I need money.

Old person: Too bad.

Laura: LOOK! A DISTRACTION!

Old person: *looks over shoulder* WHAT?!

Laura: *reaches over to grab money* 

Old person 2: HEY THAT'S CHEATING!!!

Laura: So sue me. 

Old person: You can't steal money from the bank! That's against the rules!

Laura: *while grabbing fistfuls of 500s and 100s* SCREW THE RULES I HAVE MONEY!!!

Old person 3: *grabs knife* RELEASE THE MONEY.

Okay. Maybe not exactly like that. But you get the idea. (The only difference is that I wouldn't yell "LOOK! A DISTRACTION!" I have more class than that. It would be more like "LOOK OUT! A CHIPMUNK WITH A MACHINE GUN!")

There's not much else to say about this. It really speaks for itself. 

The Corrupt Banker Approach

This is another classic. If you're playing with people who either a.) don't know you cheat, b.) don't care that you cheat, or c.) don't understand the game (or English, for that matter), then insist on being the banker. That way, you have complete control over all of the money in the game. If there's one thing I can't stand in this game, it's the honest banker who makes sure that everyone gets the right amount of money at all times, never pockets any for himself, etc. They make me sick. Every so often, instead of depositing player A's tax money into the bank, look like you do so and then put it away in your own savings. It's dishonest, yes, but in Monopoly, honesty will get you killed. At least the way I play it. I don't know how you do, ya sissy.

This also ties in to number 5, except this is a bit more subtle. Instead of threatening the banker at gun point, stealing the paper money, jumping out the window, stealing a get away car, changing your name to Pablo Wakasanakan, moving to Mexico (or Canada, if you prefer), marrying a fellow outlaw, and spending the rest of your days in a little cabin counting your money, you can rob the bank without all of those extra steps. So much more convenient,  assuming you don't get caught. In that case, tell your fellow players that you were... making a transaction and put at least half of the money back. In the old west, you'd be shot for doing such a thing. And unless you play like certain people I know, you most likely will only get away with a few disapproving looks. 

I know that sometimes, the banker also handles real estate. We don't play that way, but I've seen it. That has so many options as well. If your corruption is more obvious, then you can get away with auctioning off properties, black market deals, etc. Be creative. 

Some things you can accomplish as the banker:

• Steal money directly from the bank (obviously)
• Steal money that people give you to put in the bank (obviously)
• Auction off real estate
• Make deals with people that involve an illegal stream of money from the bank
• Invent a time machine to go back in time and stop the assassination of Abe Lincoln and possibly the creation of My Little Pony. God, those things creep me out.

The patented "Two Finger Table Toss"

I couldn't find a good picture to represent this one, so here's a picture of an iguana. 

Anyway, the "Two Finger Table Toss" is the last resort for every sore loser. It's name is misleading, because you're not really tossing the table, but more of the board. Here is the instructions on how to complete this:

1. Decide whether there is no way that cheating will help you win. In that case, proceed to number 2.
2. With both hands, position you second and third finger under the board game. 
3. In one swift movement, flick your fingers and wrist up. This will send the board game flying.Or, at least, tilt it and all of the pieces fall off.
4. Storm out of the room screaming gibberish.

This procedure assures that your opponent will not win. It also kind of assures you that you won't win yourself. Side effects may include but are not limited to: nobody playing with you ever again, people beating you up, crying, people calling the nice people in white lab coats to come and get you, and waking up somewhere unfamiliar.

If you're feeling even more like a sore loser, there's also the two handed table toss. This one used both palms, and you can fling the board farther.

Anyway, I'm tired of writing this post. My next post will probably be: Twilight if I had written it/If Twilight was condensed into only one scene.

Maybe. Probably. Sort of. I dunno. It could possibly be about my cat. We all know that every blog was at least one post about a cat.

P.S. I have to get something off my chest. Hello, my name is Laura, and I have a horrible fear of the Monopoly guy. It started the first time I ever played the game. Now, whenever I think about it, I can only imagine his creepy little face.