The Land Before Time 2: The Great Valley Extinction

Scene 1
It is a happy day in the valley. The sun is shining, the giant prehistoric butterflies are fluttering, and Littlefoot and his friends are playing together and are not singing because dinosaurs don't do that. This scene lasts for about four seconds before the director got bored and switched to another scene.


Scene 2
Outside of the valley, in the earthquake torn wasteland, a pack of velociraptors is getting ready for a hunt. They haven't had a decent meal in a few weeks (hence the earthquake torn wasteland) and are rather desperate. Their leader is ready to address the pack with some important news. He has a badass facial scar because the director thought it would be cool.

VELOCIRAPTOR LEADER

Alright everyone, listen here. I know times are tough. After all, we live in an earthquake torn wasteland, right? But everyone keep in mind, we're velociraptors. We don't have to worry! We're among the most amazing creatures to walk this planet. I know you're all hungry, but I have a plan! I heard of a wonderful valley where the herbivores took refuge a few years ago, the Great Valley they called it.

VELOCIRAPTOR 1

What's so great about it?

VELOCIRAPTOR LEADER

How should I know? We're not allowed inside! They discriminate against carnivores like us. I say enough is enough. Let's claim our right! Just because we eat meat doesn't make us villains! We need to survive, dammit! We need screen time in this series! Let's go visit Dino-Eden and eat them like real dinosaurs would!

The crowd of velociraptors cheer at his speech.

VELOCIRAPTOR LEADER

All we have to do is follow the sun, go past the rock that looks like a brontosaurus, and past the volcanoes. Any questions?

 VELOCIRAPTOR 2

Yeah. What is a brontosaurus? And a volcano? And... and the sun?

VELOCIRAPTOR LEADER

Sigh. Stupid kiddy-movie dialogue. Forget it, let's just get going before we starve to death out here.

Crowd of velociraptors cheer again.

Scene 3

Littlefoot and his friends are sitting in the valley, extremely bored. Not at a Laura level of boredom, mind you, but they're close. They're sitting around talking, because video games wouldn't be invented for a few years.

CERA

I. Am. So. BORED. It cannot be natural to be this bored!

DUCKY

Yeah, I mean, what are dinosaurs supposed to do all day? Eat stuff and go rawr? I don't think so.

PETRIE

Hey, you guys remember when we were stranded in the earthquake torn wasteland and everyday was an ordeal as we searched desperately for food and water and ran from the relentless killing machine Sharptooth? When did being bored become such a big concern for us?

CERA

Shut up, Petrie, no one likes you. 

LITTLEFOOT

C'mon guys, let's go play in the tar pits.

PETRIE

What? But that's ridiculously idiotic!

LITTLEFOOT

Yeah? Well, I'm the main character, so I decide what we're going to do. And I say we go play in the tar pits. Let's go.

Littlefoot and co. go to the tar pits and tries to see who sinks the fastest. This game is just as successful as you can imagine and they all get stuck in the tar. Because the director doesn't give a crap, we cut to them safely out of the tar pit.

CERA

Wow, it's a good thing we found that dino-jetpack in time. Otherwise, who knows what that UFO might have done.

LITTLEFOOT

No time for that, Cera, I just realized that the plot can't possibly go on without us!

DUCKY

But... how are we going to do that? There's already been three scenes and we're barely involved yet.

LITTLEFOOT

Let's do something completely retarded and see where that leads.

PETRIE

You mean, something stupider than swimming in a tar pit?!

LITTLEFOOT

Yeah... I can only thing of one other thing that'll lead to certain death in prehistoric times.

PETRIE

And what is that? Please, enlighten me.

LITTLEFOOT

Let's go piss off a T-Rex.

EVERYONE OTHER THAN PETRIE
Yaaay!!!

Scene 4

A newlywed T-Rex couple are watching their first egg. You're so lucky we skipped the dino-sex scene. They are in their den with many large dinosaur bones strewn around, making it look very uninviting. The mother T-Rex is actually very sweet and hospitable, but no one knows this because of all the prejudice when it comes to entering a cave that belongs to a T-Rex.

FATHER T-REX

What should we name it?

MOTHER T-REX

We don't know if it'll be a boy or a girl.

FATHER T-REX

So Shelly is out of the question?

MOTHER T-REX

You do know it'll hatch into a dinosaur, right?

FATHER T-REX

Hey, I never got the Archaeopteryxes and the Giant Prehistoric Bees talk from my parents, they died when I was a hatchling.

MOTHER T-REX

Oh, right, I forgot your dark and mysterious past that we shall never mention again.

FATHER T-REX

And now I'm bored. Let's go kill something.

MOTHER T-REX

Wait, what about the egg?

FATHER T-REX

Don't worry, nobody in their right mind would ever mess with the lair of a Tyrannosaurus family.

They leave. About ten seconds after they're gone, Littlefoot and his friends show up. 

CERA

Littlefoot, we're not supposed to be outside the Valley!

LITTLEFOOT

This is so cool... I'm sorry, Cera, did you say something?

CERA

I think that-

LITTLEFOOT

Yeah, that's great, nobody cares what you think. So, where's that T-Rex?

DUCKY

I don't see anything. They're probably looking for food or something.

LITTLEFOOT

You're right... C'mon, let's loot the place.

They walk through the cave but find nothing except for the egg.

LITTLEFOOT

Dammit, there's nothing here except for this stupid egg.

Two struthifreaks enter from out of nowhere.

STUTHIFREAK 1

Did someone call us?

CERA

No. No one called you. Now get out of here before I call the dino-cops.

STRUTHIFREAK 2

I'm pretty sure I heard something about an egg.

STRUTHIFREAK 1

Yes, yes, an egg. Where is it? I must have it! It... it's very important to me. I... I love it.

PETRIE

...Am I the only one here who thinks this guy needs to die?

LITTLEFOOT

Petrie, you're so violent! Remember, this is a kid's movie. I... I think. It's about animated talking dinosaurs, anyway. 

DUCKY

LITTLEFOOT, I SWEAR TO GOD, IF YOU BREAK THE FOURTH WALL THEN I WILL KILL YOU IN YOUR SLEEP.

LITTLEFOOT

...The fourth what? Ah, screw it, we don't have time! Let's take the egg!

Littlefoot grabs the egg and runs before the Struthifreak can get to it. His friends follow, but only because they don't want to be left alone in a cave with the Struthifreaks, who swear revenge on them. 

PETRIE

Littlefoot, why, oh God, WHY did you feel it was necessary to steal the egg?

LITTLEFOOT

...

Littlefoot cannot think of a good reason, so he demands this scene to be over

Scene 5
The velociraptors have reached the rock that looks like a longneck, a landmark on the way to the Great Valley. 

RANDOM VELOCIRAPTOR

Hey, leader, how do you know about the Great Valley? Is it a real thing?

VELOCIRAPTOR LEADER

Allow me to explain in pointlessly specific detail. A few years back, I was desperately hunting a small herd of dino-four year olds for food. But before I went in for the kill, I heard them discuss the Great Valley. I wanted to know more, so I let them live for a while. I decided to follow them to the valley and then have a feast there. But they saw me and... well, I forgot what happened exactly. Considering I woke up at the bottom of a cliff with a new scar, I pretty much figured it out. Without any way to find the Great Valley, I gave up. But then later I met this brontosaurus dude who told me how to get there...

RANDOM VELOCIRAPTOR

I'm sorry, do you really believe anyone is going to read that intimidating wall of text?

VELOCIRAPTOR LEADER

...Shut up.

Scene 6

Littlefoot and his friends are sitting around in the Great Valley, staring at the egg. The director couldn't think of a good reason why they didn't get eaten by anything before they could get back, so we skipped that scene. 

LITTLEFOOT

What do you think will hatch?

PETRIE

Well, we found it in the den of a Tyrannosaurus, it is bigger than any egg we've ever seen, and, let me just clarify, we found it in the den of a Tyrannosaurus rex.

LITTLEFOOT

So... it's going to be a brontosaurus like me!

CERA

No, you idiot, it'll be a triceratops!

DUCKY

YOU'RE BOTH WRONG LIKE ALWAYS! IT'LL BE... uh... it'll be... whatever the hell I am.

PETRIE

Siiiiiigh.

LITTLEFOOT

I wonder if it's going to be a boy or a girl...

PETRIE

Why aren't we telling the adults about this? A t-rex egg in the valley is kinda a big deal, you know?

LITTLEFOOT

Shut up Petrie, the adults are all idiots and children are all the Second Coming. I thought you knew that.

PETRIE

That doesn't make any sense whatsoever.

CERA

Look! It's hatching!

DUCKY

What convenient timing!

The egg hatches into (big surprise coming) a baby T-Rex! 

LITTLEFOOT

Awesome, now we have our own child slave!

PETRIE

Didn't you just say... Sigh.

BABY T-REX

Who are you freaks? 

CERA

Aww he's so cute.

LITTLEFOOT

Wait... I got another great idea! Let's demand ransom from his parents!

PETRIE

Littlefoot, let's analyze that idea carefully. One: What the hell do you need from them? You're a dinosaur, there's no currency in this world or anything to bargain with. Two: They can just eat you and then take their child back. Three-

DUCKY

SHUT UP PETRIE OR I'LL KILL YOU WHERE YOU STAND. LITTLEFOOT'S IDEA IS THE GREATEST IDEA IN THE HISTORY OF GREAT IDEAS!

CERA
But he's so cute! Can we keep him? Please? Please?

At this point, the baby T-Rex decides it's time to slip away without anyone noticing.

PETRIE
What? But... he'd grow up to be a killing machine! And what would you feed him anyway? Demand the residents of the Great Valley to sacrifice themselves to him?

LITTLEFOOT
Petrie, you need to shut up and go back to being a retarded comic relief character. I like Cera's idea. Let's raise him and get back at those bullies who are always picking on me for having a stupid name!

CERA
Can I name him? Pleeeeaaaaaasssssssseeeeeeee?

LITTLEFOOT
No. I'm the main character, and I say his name is Chomper.

DUCKY
Wait... where did he go?

LITTLEFOOT
Dammit! He got away. Everyone, we have to find him if we want to exploit him for anything! Let's split up and find him before he, you know, kills someone! Petrie, search for him in the sky!

PETRIE
Forget this, I'm going to go take a nap.

Petrie flies away as the rest of the dinokids begin to search for Chomper.

Scene 7

The two tyrannosaurs are standing together in a mountain-y area, having already discovered their egg is lost. If you watch the special features on the DVD of this movie, you can see the deleted scene where the father T-Rex lets out a big "NOOO!" that would put Darth Vader to shame. 

MOTHER T-REX

Are you sure this is a good idea?

FATHER T-REX

Trust me, it's a much better idea then barging into the Valley and destroying everything. This idea is a lot more subtle.

MOTHER T-REX

Why don't we just destroy the valley and take our baby back?

FATHER T-REX

Because it's Dino-Eden! There's a magical shield or some crap like that that keeps predators out. But if we get a spy to go in their undercover, get the baby back, and then possibly let us in, then-

MYSTERIOUS VOICE

Silence, fool! Do you want anyone within a five mile radius to know the plan?

FATHER T-REX

Are you....?

MYSTERIOUS VOICE

Yes, I am Pinkshadow.

A freaky pink dinosaur appears out of the shadows. 

PINKSHADOW

I'm not one for formal introductions, so let's get to the point: If I help you with the plan you just announced to the world, then you protect me and my family from predators like bodyguards?

FATHER T-REX

Sure.

PINKSHADOW

I never trusted Tyrannosaurs, but I guess I have nothing better to do. Okay, I'm going in.

Scene 8

Littlefoot, having found Chomper offscreen because we have that great of a director, is walking Chomper back to where he hatched, so he and his friends can decide what to do.

LITTLEFOOT

Chomper, if you ever run away like that again, you will be severely punished. You got that?

CHOMPER

Who the hell is Chomper? My name is-

Suddenly, a freaky pink dinosaur runs up to them.

LITTLEFOOT

Uh... who are you?

PINKSHADOW

My name is... uh... Crap, I forgot to make up a fake name... think of a good one... Ruby!

LITTLEFOOT

I wasn't aware we knew what a ruby was. I thought we just called them "red gems" or something. I mean, for God's sake, we call rain "skywater" and dreams "sleep stories"!

Ducky appears out of nowhere and punches Littlefoot in the stomach.

RUBY

Uh... okay then. Who is that T-Rex?

DUCKY

Oh, him? He's Chomper. Littlefoot wants to exploit him for child labor or something.

LITTLEFOOT

(after recovering) Don't tell people that, Ducky. We don't even know this freaky pink dinosaur!

RUBY

My name is Ruby.

LITTLEFOOT

Yeah, I know.

Cera and the other dino four-year-olds finally show up.

CERA

Hey guys. I just thought you should know that those struthifreaks are stalking us.

LITTLEFOOT

Oh no! Those are the most intimidating villains a Land Before Time movie has ever seen! Sharptooth himself would be terrified of them.

PETRIE

Littlefoot, leave the sarcasm to me, you're no good at it.

LITTLEFOOT

What sarcasm...?

CERA

Where'd Ruby and Chomper go?

LITTLEFOOT

Dammit! We have to find them! Let's go!

Scene 9: 

The velociraptors have reached the edge of the valley, where they see two Tyrannosaurs standing around. Always one to be a diplomat, the leader decides to talk to them.

VELOCIRAPTOR LEADER

Hey, what are you two doing here?

MOTHER T-REX

Well, considering you guys are velociraptors and thus the second coolest dinosaur ever, I suppose we can tell you. The herbivores of the Great Valley kidnapped our baby and now we're waiting for our spy to get in and break their defenses.

VELOCIRAPTOR LEADER

Why can't you just walk in and kill everything in sight?

FATHER T-REX

What do you expect? In Dino-Eden, predators can't just waltz in and eat stuff. There's a magical barrier called plot armor that rests like a dome around the valley.

VELOCIRAPTOR LEADER

I see... So you sent someone in to break their defense. May we join you in destroying the Great Valley? My pack has been looking forward to doing so for days. Two tyrannosaurs should be able to show us how it's done. 

MOTHER T-REX

Why, of course! We'll also be teaching our kid how to destroy stuff! 

The predators wait for a few hours. To pass the time, they discuss the best ways to set stuff on fire without opposable thumbs or access to fire in the first place, the meaning of life, and the best way to Rawr without straining your throat to much. Eventually, Pinkshadow shows up with Chomper.

PINKSHADOW

Alright, here's your kid.

MOTHER T-REX

Awww, he's so adorable! Honey, let's name him Chomper!

FATHER T-REX

Just like my own father!

CHOMPER

But, guys, that's a horrible name! I already decided on-

PINKSHADOW

Wait, there's more! I created a gaping hole in the side of the valley. You and your velociraptor army should be able to get through.

MOTHER T-REX

Excellent. We shall let you live for being so helpful. 

PINKSHADOW

I appreciate it. There's a ridiculous amount of herbivores in there, and they're all incredibly stupid. You should have an easy time destroying them. There's also a couple of Struthifreaks running around in there. 

FATHER T-REX

Eh, they haven't had enough screen time for us to care. Now, everyone! CHAAAARGE!

The tyrannosaurs charge into the hole in the wall. Because we're jerks, we're changing scenes back to Littlefoot and co.

Scene 10: The Scene Where All Hell Breaks Loose

Littlefoot and his friends are cornered by the struthifreaks, who want to get struthifreaky. By his friends, we meant everyone except for Petrie, who was smart enough to fly out of the valley.

STRUTHIFREAK 1

Now hand over the egg! The love of my life!

CERA

For the last time, you creep, it friggin' hatched!

STRUTHIFREAK 2

Don't lie! Only bad little girls lie! Are you a bad little girl?

LITTLEFOOT

Am I the only one who hears growling?

Suddenly, out of nowhere, a velociraptor jumps into the scene and eats Struthifreak 1! 

STRUTHIFREAK 2

HOLY FRUITCAKES!

Struthifreak 2 is eaten by another velociraptor. Suddenly, Littlefoot and co. are being chased by a T-Rex and a pack of velociraptors! Isn't that awesome?

CERA

WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO?

DUCKY

Petrie, there's something I have to tell you. I... I love you!

LITTLEFOOT

THAT SON OF A BIRCH ISN'T HERE!

DUCKY

NEXT TIME I SEE HIM, I'LL KILL HIM!

Suddenly Spike, who hasn't been mentioned once until now, turns around and jumps toward a velociraptor. Immediately, they both explode.

CERA

WHAT THE HELL?

LITTLEFOOT

This movie is quickly deteriorating!

Suddenly, they are cornered! The next events are too awesome to be put into words, so we provided three pictures:

Pictured: The Great Valley, post Laura Is Bored

And thus, every living thing in the great valley is destroyed. Except for Petrie, that cocky son of a birch tree. 

But because we want to milk as much money out of this franchise as possible, we made eleven sequels!

...Somehow.

The Land Before Time III: The Time of the Great Explosion

The Land Before Time IV: Journey through the Wasteland

The Land Before Time V: The Mysterious Crater

The Land Before Time VI: The Secret of Tyrannosaurus Rock

The Land Before Time VII: The Stone of Explosive Fire

The Land Before Time VIII: The Ice Age

The Land Before Time IX: The Journey to Promised Land

The Land Before Time X: The Great Velociraptor Hunt

The Land Before Time XI: Invasion of the Predators

The Land Before Time XII: The Great Day of the Volcanoes

The Land Before Time XIII: The Wisdom of Laura

Oh... boy.

It's not too late for you! See if your cat is plotting your demise with this handy guide.
(God, I hate shameless plugs)

Laura's Great Valley Adventure (Season Finale)

Last time on Laura's Great Valley Adventure...

It goes without saying I don't own any of the images I used. It belongs to Universal or whatever.
If I did own the franchise, there'd be a lot more screen time for that poor velociraptor.

At least, I wish this movie was like that. No, we actually left off with the main characters trapped between the pedophile dinosaurs and a flow of lava. How many times do you hear that sentence? This entire situation could have been avoided if Chomper had his jetpack with him. Oh well. Let's see how this hour long abomination of my childhood is resolved, shall we?

 That was... simple

So, how do they get out of this predicament you wonder? I couldn't care less, but the movie decided that it didn't care either. So they find a fallen tree making a bridge over the abyss of doom on their left. That was... convenient. I expected this part to be a bit longer. But how... what? Huh?

No. Resist the urge to question the movie. I must refuse! 

Well, they run across the tree to get away from either burning to death or getting... struthi-fied. The main characters make it to the other side of course, but the stuthifreaks fall into the abyss of doom. Did I say fall? I meant jump. They jumped in. They... just jumped in. Why? They had a perfect path to run from the lava... and apparently can teleport as well.

These are the struthifreaks. I can't question them if I enjoy what little sanity I have.

Oh, and floating eyebrows.

You know, a long time ago, I had a Putt-Putt computer game. You know, Putt-Putt, that talking purple car with eyes and a pet dog? There were also dancing penguins and he went to the moon. My childhood was kinda trippy. Anyway, I remember he travelled in time to all sorts of ages. One of those was prehistoric times. There was this brachiosaurus chick that seemed rather drunk and wouldn't let me pass by. It was so annoying, and I seriously wanted to set a T-Rex on her.

God, how I wish I was playing that instead of watching this movie.

Sorry about that. My mind has been wandering throughout this entire movie. Not enough explosions or awesome dinosaurness to keep me interested.

The Subtle Art of Going Rawr
Remember those sharpteeth we saw coming to the valley earlier? I've been waiting this entire movie to see them do something, and that may just pay off now. Because, guess what? They have arrived! I would have preferred that they were introduced earlier and were the main villains instead of the strutifreaks. Really, who would make a better villain?












Yeah, I thought so.
Anyway, the kids bump into the tyrannosaurs (how could you not see them from ten feet away?) and begin a chase scene. This is probably the only good part in the movie, because it shows that a dinosaur movie can only be awesome with a badass T-Rex or two. Is it a problem that I'm rooting for them? If you watched Littlefoot and his friends for about five minutes, you'd hope a T-Rex would come and eat them too. Even though they're equivalent to dino-four-year-olds, they manage to outrun the tyrannosaurs and find shelter in a cave. Fine. Be that way. I forget who, but one of them mentions that "It's dangerous outside." Thank you, I would not have been able to figure that out on my own judging from the gigantic T-Rex waiting outside to eat you.

FINALLY!

There are two reasons why I'm not complaining about tyrannosaurs in Dino-Eden. First of all, it's friggin' awesome. And second, it's mentioned that Littlefoot and his friends made a hole in the big wall that protects the valley during the rockslide from the beginning of the movie. Good going, guys. Why didn't you mention to anyone that there was a gaping hole in you defense against the awesome dinosaur world? If you're really that afraid of predators, then you should have told the big adult dinosaurs, "Hey, there's a giant hole in the wall that is protecting us from getting eateded...ed." And then they'd be like, "Oh, okay" and smashed some rocks from the sides of the hole to create a wall. Cue "If We Hold On Together" and the end credits roll.

All hope seems lost for the kids (and still I don't care) when suddenly, Littlefoot's grandpa comes to rescue them! In a surprisingly epic battle, he battles the two tyrannosaurs with his tail and stuff. But an old longneck isn't a match for two sharpteeth, so Grandpa Longneck makes a heroic sacrifice to-

No, wait, this is a kid's movie. Well, apparently tyrannosaurs have ADD or something, because they get distracted by Petrie and chase after him. I'm tired of questioning this, let's just move on.

How a real dinosaur should act

Petrie leads one of the tyrannosaurs into a vine that Littlefoot and Chomper use as a tripwire and then tie it up. Because we all know a single vine is strong enough to trip and hold down a several-ton giant killing machine. Chomper, don't help Littlefoot! If you team up with the adult sharpteeth, you'll be unstoppable. You'll learn how to be a real T-Rex! Don't throw your life away, Chomper!

The other T-Rex is too busy trying to eat Cera to notice that its partner just got taken down by dino-four-year-olds. It gets distracted (big surprise) by Ducky and Petrie, who are sitting in a tree throwing coconuts at it and shouting insults. Not the best plan you guys ever came up with. Obviously, the T-Rex goes to try to eat them but...

...WHY ARE THESE GUYS STILL ALIVE ANYWAY? THEY'RE DINO-FOUR-YEAR-OLDS! A T-REX SHOULD BE ABLE TO OUTRUN THEM IN, LIKE, THREE SECONDS! WHY-

We're sorry, we're experiencing more technical difficulties. We thought that we fixed the problem, but apparently we didn't. We'll be right back.....


I'm sorry about that outburst. I'm better now, really. The nice men in white lab coats explained that some dinosaurs had sharp teeth to defend themselves, some had spikes to defend themselves, and other dinosaurs had plot armor to defend themselves from predators.

Just go to your emo corner, Petrie.

So, after knocking the T-Rex out with a falling rock... Gee, never seen THAT before. Isn't that how they solved the Sharptooth problem in the first movie? But it turns out that vine can't hold a sharptooth down as the other one comes back. It nearly eats Ducky (thank God) but she's saved by Petrie. You know what Petrie? I'm sick of you and your flying! You're the most annoying character and yet you're the most useful when it comes to fighting predators! Just, go away. No one likes you.

This makes everything almost worth it

The T-Rex that was hit by the rock seems okay, and comes back to try and eat them once more. You know, I like these guys. They're impossible to kill. There's a brief chase scene and the kids trick one of the tyrannosaurs to bite the other. This results in a brief but friggin' epic fight between the two. Now you're talking! T-Rex fight! T-Rex fight! Sadly, it's over just before anyone can draw blood as they realize, "Oh, yeah, I'm hungry, and I don't need to resort to cannibalism yet. Let's go eat those dino-four-year-olds."


How To Mess Up Tyrannosaurs In A Movie About FRIGGIN' DINOSAURS
So, blah blah blah the grownup dinosaurs come along as save their children yadda yadda yadda. Everyone is reunited with their parents except for chomper, who becomes sad and runs off. No one cares though, because yay! We're a big happy dinosaur family! Except for sharpteeth. They can all go to hell for all we care.

The kids admit what happened with the egg stealers, and don't even get into trouble for running off after pedophile dinosaurs into the mysterious beyond where they're told daily never to go to and letting in killer tyrannosaurs that can and probably did kill someone. Yay for justice! Speaking of the struthifreaks, what happened to them? They couldn't have died, could they? That would be way too easy.

When I grow up, I'mma be
cloned back to life and kill
people in Jurassic Park. Then
they'll be sorry for making me
so cute and cuddly. I'm a
T-Rex, for God's sake!

Whatever. The herbivores decide to seal the wall even though there's no proof that the sharpteeth have left yet. And that's not me being nitpicky, the tyrannosaurs really haven't left yet. Good plan. Seal them inside the valley with a ton of herbivores, that won't result in a bloodbath at all. Wait, on second thought, go ahead and do it, it'll make this movie more interesting. Littlefoot suddenly remembers, "Oh yeah, that t-rex kid I adopted, he disappeared. Maybe I should find him before he kills someone." He runs off to go find Chomper before anything awesome can happen to him. Yes, Littlefoot, go run off by yourself when there are two Sharpteeth roaming around looking for food. You know, it's awfully convenient that there happens to be two sharpteeth who showed up for mysterious reasons (besides, you know, the obvious eating stuff and going rawr thing) and that there's an orphan t-rex who wants to find his parents. HMMM.

Littlefoot does manage to find Chomper, who is happily chasing around a bug. See, Littlefoot? He doesn't really care. You know this kid is, like, one day old, right? He shouldn't even be walking, let alone think about his true parents. The two adult sharpteeth show up, though, and chase Littlefoot and Chomper through the valley. Littlefoot gets his foot caught in a log, and Chomper seems to leave him behind. Thank you, Chomper, please let him get eaten. But Chomper remembers that Littlefoot is the main character and he has to save him. He comes back and talks to the Tyrannosaurs in, well, Tyrannosaur language not to eat Littlefoot.

Wait, wait, wait. This kid is, like, a day old, and he spent his one day of life with herbivores. Why can he speak t-rex language? Language is something you have to learn, you're not just born able to recite Shakespeare. Whatever, the movie is almost over.

Apparently, sharpteeth reproduce
too! I hope this movie hasn't
inspired some creepy fetishes.

It turns out (here's a shocker) that the tyrannosaurs are really Chomper's parents! I never saw that coming! I was expecting Chomper's parents to be a space alien and that creepy pink dinosaur! The t-rex couple decide to be nice and not eat Littlefoot because he took good care of their hatchling. Again, I have to remember that the movie's almost over and questioning it will just take more time.

The tyrannosaurs leave Littlefoot, who is happy that he finally got that brat off his hands. Suddenly, the struthifreaks return and kidnap him! Damn, I thought they were dead. I can't have anything, can I? Not even a T-Rex fight that lasts for more than two seconds.

"Tell us where the money is!"
"I don't know what you're talking about!"
"Yes you do! Now tell us or we'll
 get struthifreaky on you.

As they're leaving, Chomper hears Littlefoot screaming like a girl. By now I've lost all hope in his future, because he decides to go and rescue Littlefoot. The struthifreaks are dangling him off a cliff and... wait, why aren't they, you know, push him off? It's not necessary to...

IS THE MOVIE OVER YET?

Well, Chomper shows up and tries to scare them by using his shadow trick again to look bigger. The struthifreaks, using the half a dead brain cell that they have in total, realize that it's just a baby who isn't all that intimidating. They start to advance on Chomper with rape faces (look at my previous posts for that one picture if you want reference), when his parents show up. Apparently, Littlefoot can teleport now to Chomper's side. Anyway, the parents chase the strutifreaks out of the valley, presumably to be eaten. It's a happy ending so far.

Chomper leaves with his parents, and the gap in the wall is closed with a small pile of rocks that a sharptooth could simply climb over. It is stated that "Sharpteeth won't ever come back", which is true, except for the movies where sharpteeth do, in fact, come back. But this is the second movie, and they probably weren't planning for a million sequels at the time, so this is acceptable.

As every character is called back home by their parents, I realized something about Petrie. He's friggin' ghetto. He replied to his mother's call with "Comin', motha'." I'm assuming that the last part of the second word was censored.

This is completely
irrelevant, but I
got bored.
...Big surprise.

So, blah blah blah Littlefoot is okay with being a kid for a while blah blah happy ending. The movie doesn't even end with the awesome song "If We Hold On Together" like the first movie did. Then again, the first movie wasn't a musical, so they could concentrate awesomeness into one ending song.

In conclusion, this movie was just... painful. Chomper is a pathetic excuse for a T-Rex, the actual tyrannosaurs were in it for about ten minutes, the main villains were gay, pedophiliac struthifreaks, and Littlefoot is one of the most annoying characters ever. In the first movie, he was hardcore, swearing revenge on the Sharptooth that killed his mother and eventually succeeding. In this movie and beyond, he's just a wimpy little goody-two-shoes who'll never hit puberty. You killed a T-Rex, man, you should be badass.

But this movie doesn't compare to the ridiculousness of the other movies (except for a few I refuse to criticize for nostalgia reasons). Let's just say that wimpy t-rex babies aren't as bad as dino-incest, a cowboy dinosaur (the lone dinosaur), the sun falling from the sky, alien dinosaurs, a transvestite stegosaurus, and dino-Thanksgiving. Not to mention that freaky pink dinosaur. This series is kinda messed up, isn't it?

You're probably wondering how it would have been if I had directed it. And if you're not wondering, you're going to find out anyway... Next post, because I'm already late as it is on publishing this one. Next time, I'll post my version of this movie. Until then, have a nice day, and remember: struthifreaks are people too... kinda.

OH MY GOD THEY REPRODUCED.
Forget zombies, the struthifreak apocalypse is upon us.

I'm Still Alive!

EVIL

I haven't posted anything for a while, have I? The reason for that is a combination of many factors, including laziness, finals, essays, and my brother's B-Day that I had to help out with (slave labor). I had to fill so many water balloons, I think I'm developing a phobia. And of course no one really wanted to use them. I was menaced by a friggin' gigantic bumble bee the entire time. I named him Sheldon, a manly name. War was waged! I had a squirt gun with me at all times, but I could never shoot him down.

No, no, not that Bumblebee

These things are terrifying. The flower might as
well be my head.

He left me for a while, so I assumed he gave up. I went back to my water balloons. They were really cheap and all the same color, so they kept leaking and it was rather boring. Pfft. Blue water balloons. What's the fun in that? Later, though, I heard more buzzing. It turns out, Sheldon has a friend! I grabbed my water gun, but I was outnumbered! His friend, who I named Florence (another manly name), was almost as big as him! Desperate, I grabbed a water balloon and hurled it. I don't know what happened because I was bravely running in circles, but I might have gotten Florence.

But Sheldon is still out there, waiting. Getting stronger. If I ever go for a few weeks without a post, then I'm either being lazy or Sheldon got me.

Dinosaurs with Badass Shades

Hey people. I ran into some unforeseen delays (a la procrastination) and the last part of my Land Before Time thing is going to be slightly delayed. To hold you over, here's some dinosaurs with badass shades.

Two Books That Should Exist

Hi! I was in Barnes and Noble the other day, trying to escape from the many vampire teen books (without success). I realized that there are so many books that should have been written! Such as...

A small excerpt: There are many ways to be "awesome". However, if you had to buy this book to figure this out, then you probably aren't even close. That is why pikachu and I wrote it. That, and they told us we'd be paid by the word. Pika pika chu pika. One way to be awesome is to own a pikachu. This is because pikachus are scientifically proven to boost your awesomeness level by 70%. 

Table of Contents: 

Chapter One: What is Awesomeness? pg 1

Chapter Two: Why I Am Better Than You In Every Way. pg 19

Chapter Three: Chuck Norris Theory pg 49

Chapter Four: The Ninja Factor pg 78

Chapter Five: Why Buying This Book Proves You Are Not Awesome At All pg 112

Chapter Six: Internet Memes and You pg 122

Chapter Seven: Choosing The Right Pillow Pet For You pg 142

Chapter Eight: How To Say No To Snuggies pg 169

Chapter Nine: Harry Potter; How To Make Friends With Just About Anyone pg 188

Chapter Ten: The Subtle Art of Toast pg 193

Chapter Eleven: Awesome People Don't Waste Their Lives Reading Long, Pointless Books pg 210 

Another book from the great authors Laura and Pikachu. 

A small excerpt: Yes, that fish is much smarter than you, and it's not even a fish. It's a drawing of a fish. Do you realize how sad that is? And yet, it is true. You may deny it, but deep down you know it's the truth. You probably think this book is about how to be better than the fish. Sadly, that isn't possible. This book is about why humanity has no hope to ever outsmart a drawing of a fish.

Table of Contents:

Chapter One: That Fish Never Went to College! pg 3

Chapter Two: An Overview of the General Population pg 21

Chapter Three: Why Reality TV Will Bring About The End of Civilization pg 42

Chapter Four: How Each And Every Genre of Music is Leading to the End of Society pg 81

Chapter Five: Pika Pi Pikachu Chu Pi Pi Pika pg 110

Chapter Six: What Would Happen if the Internet Disappeared pg 149

Chapter Seven: Seven Tips to Surviving the Collapse pg 194

Chapter Eight: Why We Should Replace the Government With A Dead Fish pg 232

Thank you http://www.oreillymaker.com for the For Dummies book generator mabob. I was too lazy to make one myself.

Laura's Great Valley Adventure (part 3)

They just realized that there are
eleven more movies after this one.

Surprisingly, this movie hasn't killed me yet. That's why we're back for a third go at this thing! Hopefully, this is the last part. I can't stand such a undinosaurish movie about a friggin' T-Rex. Are you ready? Let's see what happens when writers have no clue how to use a T-Rex properly.

Stranger Danger! Stranger Danger!
So we last left off with Littlefoot's friends cornered by the strutifreaks as Littlefoot found Chomper. I'm quickly losing all hope that Chomper is going to behave like a normal T-Rex. He hasn't really done anything awesome besides being generally cooler than the other characters. That's not a big accomplishment... Anyway, Littlefoot hears his friends screaming because, well, you've seen the egg stealers. He leaves Chomper again to go save them. Like that was successful the first time. Don't turn your back, Littlefoot, he still has a chance to eat someone. But, really, I doubt it. Let's compare Tyrannosauruses, shall we?

    First Movie:                                                                          Second Movie:

RAWR! I'M A FRIGGIN' T-REX AND
AND I'LL EAT YOU! THAT'S MY THING!

It has eyelashes. EYELASHES.

Yeah. It's kinda depressing. Come on Chomper, I still have some hope for you. Just do something that the original Sharptooth probably did as a child. You know, like mass murder and stuff. I don't really know what T-rexes do for fun during their childhood. I assume it involves going rawr and flying around in dino-jetpacks (they have those now).

So Littlefoot runs off to go find his friends. Yes, because an adult couldn't help them at all in this situation. Just get a triceratops, run around a little and poke a few things with your horns, and done. It's not that complicated. But because Littlefoot is the main character, he has to do this himself. The egg eaters have the kids cornered at the edge of a cliff (convenient) and are demanding that they give back the egg that they rightfully stole. The one with the fetish sounds like they kidnapped his true love or something. Hey, maybe they did. But they tell him that it hatched, and he refuses to believe it. He then notices Littlefoot and proceeds to jump on top of him. Woah. Wait. Did I see that right? I wish I had a picture to put but then this blog may be labeled with "Adult Content".

Meow.

But before anything controversial can happen, they see the shadow of what appears to be a large T-Rex. Of course, it doesn't make roaring noises, but grunting noises similar to Chomper's. And you never see, you know, THIS --->
in the distance. Hmmmm. I wonder it could be. Everyone, even Littlefoot, mistakes it for a large T-Rex. The strutifreaks totally panic and jump off the side of the cliff. Good riddance. The kids cower, waiting for the T-Rex to eat them. But it turns out it's only Chomper. Gee, never saw that coming.

I found this somewhere. It's awesome.

Littlefoot introduces Chomper to his friends, leaving out any mention of jetpacks or going rawr. They all appreciate that he saved them from the unintimidating egg stealers. Actually, I can't use the term "egg stealers" anymore. Ducky stole it from me, so I refuse to use it anymore.

So, yeah. They start liking Chomper now that he saved them from the pedophiles. Do you blame them? The strutifreaks creep me out, and they're animated dinosaurs. Maybe I should actually look up their names to be less confusing.

Nah.

We're All One Big Happy Dino-Family

Where's the bloody carnage and the
earthquake-torn wasteland?

I dislike this subtitle. You know why? Real dinosaurs aren't all one big happy family. They go around eating each other. I am thoroughly convinced that the main characters of this entire franchise are not dinosaurs. They are prehistoric reptile, sure, but they're not dinosaurs. I mean, look at them. Real dinosaurs don't pose and smile like that. They kill stuff.

...Wait... Who is that pink dinosaur?

...No, really. Who is that? Why do I not recognize her (or him, I'm not here to judge)? I would recognize a pink dinosaur. For that matter, why is the dinosaur pink? That can't be natural. I know that no one knows what color dinosaurs were, but can you really imagine a pink velociraptor running around? Who is this, though? I NEED ANSWERS.

"No, guys, really. I know I'm awesome.
I'm a T-Rex, ain't I? Which means, of
course, I'm completely superior to you."

Well, getting back to the movie, the kids can't just say how they accept Chomper. They have to sing about it of course, you silly person. They start circling him and chanting "We're a family and you're one of us now" over and over again.

This is starting to sound like some kind of creepy cult ritual.

During the "song", all of the characters have their own verse to tell Chomper what they think. Petrie offers to teach Chomper how to fly in return for being taught how to be scary. Sorry, Petrie, but you're no more intimidating than a very small dust bunny. And as cool as a flying Tyrannosauruses would be, I'm pretty sure Chomper is stashing a jetpack somewhere. He just has to be.

I do find it cute that they're singing a song about being a family (no matter how awful it is) when they were incredibly racist in the first movie and learned to accept each other by the end.

Oh my God. Did I just praise this movie? Oh no! I need to compensate with something nitpicky! The only problem is, something good happens!

Yeah, that's right, I went there.

After they sing for awhile, Chomper decides he has had enough of this nonsense and does the most dinosaur-like thing in the entire movie: he attempts to eat Cera. Chomper! I knew you had it in you! Littlefoot, however, ruins my fun and pulls Chomper off of her. He then scolds him for, you know, trying to eat her. Chomper doesn't really care and tries to eat Petrie as well, making Littlefoot more annoyed. Am I the only one rooting for Chomper in this situation? Ducky tells Chomper, "You can't be a sharptooth!". Oh, good advice, Ducky. He'll just go to the dinosaur plastic surgeon and turn into a brontosaurus or something. Besides, who wouldn't want to be a sharptooth if they were a dinosaur?

After being scolded, Chomper runs away from them. Run, Chomper, run! You can make it to Jurassic Park this time! Just go through the gaping hole in the side of the valley that was left from the landslide! You know, someone ought to fix that before, you know, a cool dinosaur comes in. I bet the velociraptors are planning their attack right now.

The kids, of course, decide to go look for Chomper because they don't want a baby sharptooth running around the valley. I think it would have been cool if he hid away for his childhood, grew up into a big T-Rex, and then returned to seek havoc on the Great Valley and Littlefoot's peeps. I sighed at this point, knowing my ideas for making this movie awesome would never come to be. All I really want right now is a dinosaur that does dinosaur things. Where's my velociraptor pack? My tyrannosauruses with flamethrowers? I guess nothing interesting is ever going to happen...

Wait, what's this? We transitioned to something...

...OH MY GOD.

Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! YEEEESSSS! 
Therewereactuallycooldinosaursandtheywerealllikerawrandsoawesomeandgoingtoeatsomethingprobably.

Ha ha! See!? I'm not crazy!!!

I'm sorry, I'm just excited. Just when I thought this movie was going to stay dull and boring, we had some foreshadowing. Two Tyrannosauruses are making their way toward the valley for reasons unknown! Okay, well, it's obvious they're looking for Chomper, but I'm going to pretend that they plan on destroying it for revenge for something from the past.

Sadly, this scene is over as quickly as it started. So, back to bitching.

Volcanoes and Dinosaurs Should Be Cooler Than This
My high is quickly destroyed by the fact that the strutifreaks aren't dead. They are very much alive and looking for a new egg to eat, cracking egg puns along the way (heh heh, cracking eggs... I can do it too). This is a brief scene, but it's just enough to ruin any effect the Tyrannosauruses had.

So, Littlefoot and co. are looking for Chomper. They start complaining about being hungry... for some reason. I dunno, they needed filler I guess. But in a movie with T-friggin'-Rexes in it, you don't need filler than doesn't involve dinosaur fights and rawring. They finally find Chomper chasing a bug up an erupting volcano. He's just that badass.

Above: The Great Valley, post movie II

Question! Why is the volcano erupting? Isn't this Dino-Eden? I asked this before, haven't I? And if there is an erupting volcano, why aren't the parents worried about the whereabouts of their children? If they are worried, don't make us infer it. This is a kid's movie, you need a scene with the parents panicking. But, no, erupting volcanos aren't a concern for them, I guess. It's not like it's exploding, there's just smoke and lava running down the side and the occasional flying rock. They even made volcano eruptions boring.

Meanwhile, the strutifreaks (why are we still focusing on them?) are looking for more eggs to eat. They find a nest perched precariously on the side of a cliff. That's a good place for a nest. In their attempt to eat the eggs, they almost fall off the cliff. I'm not going to question how that works. Before they can eat, however, a huge pterodactyl chases them away. They seek refuge in a small dark cave, where I'm sure many X-rated things are bound to happen. Come on, two gay pedophiles, one small dark cave? Do the math.

"Why does this movie have to
 be for kids? I wanna eat someone."

The kids try to save Chomper who is, again, perfectly fine on his own. Suddenly, the strutifreaks are back! They want revenge for... uh... They want revenge! Littlefoot and co. just kind of leave Chomper and go running. The lava almost gets Ducky, of course, but it was neither exciting nor scary. Chomper, who seems to be on a hot streak today, tries to eat one of the strutifreaks. He doesn't succeed, sadly. Oh well.

They run, but are cornered on a ledge by the strutifreaks who apparently can teleport now! Behind them is the lava flow, coming at them quicker than real lava could move on flat ground! To the right is a large rock cliff, and the other side is a bottomless chasm! How will they get out of this situation? Will I care? When are the tyrannosauruses going to get here? Where is Chomper's jetpack? And who is that pink dinosaur? Part four is on the way!

I meant to only have three parts, but I somehow stretched it out enough to need a fourth part. At least that'll be the climax. Hopefully we'll see more T-Rex and less strutifreaks. Until then, see ya.